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  • Previewing Cujo

    Pat: It’s been difficult to get through the book this time. Because now I can’t not think of Cujo as a big friendly Saint Bernard.
    Andrea: What do you mean?
    Pat: The first time I read it, either out of ignorance or whatever, I never pictured a Saint Bernard. I pictured a hellbeast.
    Andrea: How far are you?
    Pat: Cujo just got rabies, and for some reason, it’s seven years later and Vic is talking to a guy about losing the Sharp account
    Andrea: Why is it seven years later? It’s never seven years later.
    Pat: It says SEVEN YEARS LATER
    Andrea: I am confused. Whatev.
    Pat: “Now, on the morning of June 16, 1980, he was pre-rabid.”
    SECTION BREAK
    oh
    shit
    days.
    not years.
    Andrea: LOL
    Pat: RETRACTED
    Andrea: Here’s you, being the worst.
    Pat: YOU GO TO HELL
    Andrea: If I did that you would be losing it.
    Pat: You do that shit ALL THE TIME.
    Andrea: I WAS SO CONFUSED.

  • Andy Dufresne’s Real Plan


    [via FatAwesome]

  • Pennywise For Your Thoughts

  • Apparently, Cujo is next?

    Andrea: Cujo! IS! NEXT!
    Pat: ugh. Whatever. I quit.
    IT doesn’t even show up for most of a decade.
    Andrea: omg
    Pat: I want to read IT this summer.
    Andrea: You can still read it this summer.
    We won’t be reading it for like five more summers.
    Pat: Let’s do a time warp reading.
    Andrea: NO.
    Pat: Where we time warp.
    Andrea: I refuse. (more…)

  • Roadwork, A Shitbird Novel by Richard Bachman

    Andrea: Roadwork was extremely enjoyable.
    Pat: That was quick.
    Andrea: I DESTROY YOU
    Pat: I didn’t even start it, whoreface.
    Andrea: Yes, I know. That is why i destroy you.
    Pat: I’m going to shit in your pants while you’re wearing them.
    Andrea:
    Pat: IN RETRIBUTION

    LATER:

    Pat: What a shitbird novel.
    Andrea: Does that mean you are done?
    Pat: I was done with this book the second I started reading it.
    Andrea: Are we discussing?
    Pat: Yes. Discussion: if this book was a bird, what kind of bird would it be?
    Andrea: Not even going to justify that.
    Pat: Well, I’ll tell you: a shirtbird.

    (more…)

  • Firestarter

    Pat: Are you ready to pick the fuck back up with Firestarter?
    Andrea: Ugh not really.
    Pat: YOU ARE A SHITPAIN IN MY POOPHOLE.
    Andrea: Was this your least favorite so far?
    Pat: Probably, although I liked it from “The Blackout” on.
    Andrea: I HATED IT.
    Pat: There are so many stairs I want you to fall down.
    BEFORE YOU FALL DOWN THOSE STAIRS, THOUGH, ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU A SLIGHT REWRITE OF THE NOVEL:
    Page 1 Andy looked at his child, burnt teddy in his hands, and he lost his temper. “That is bad, Charlie! You did a BAD THING.” Then he stopped, panting. When he spoke, he voice had dropped an octave, becoming gentle and steady: “Charlie, you will never do that again. You were never able to set fires or move things with your mind,” he said, and pushed with all his might.
    THE END
    Andrea: Seriously. I mean, he could push her, right? That was proven at the end?
    Pat: Yeah, and anyway, why the hell hadn’t that occurred to him in EIGHT FUCKING YEARS.
    Andrea: I hated that this whole book was about a poor little girl with a sad miserable life and no mommy who was sad and scared all the time.
    APPARENTLY I CAN’T READ ANYTHING WITH SAD KIDS ANYMORE THANKS HORMONES
    Pat: Did You Know? The original title for this novel was Carrie 2: Pyrokinetic Bugaloo.
    Andrea: I know, right? Even the puberty/period themes were there.
    SK really fell asleep at the wheel on this one.
    Pat: Yeah, “asleep.” DRUUUUUUUNK.
    Andrea: Stephen “Boozehound” King.
    Pat: “Boozehound”? Are you from the twenties?
    (more…)

  • Previewing Firestarter

    December 7th, 2011, in which Andrea is gullible:
    Andrea: omg what about what’s it called?
    The next SK.
    Pat: Firestarter.
    Andrea: No, isn’t it Roadwork?
    or Running Man?
    I forget and am too lazy to google.
    Pat: Pretty sure it’s Firestarter.
    Andrea: You are right.
    So anyway, can that be next?
    Pat: UGH FINE
    Andrea: I am beginning to doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
    Then it is Roadwork, THEN CUJO OMG.
    Pat: In Spanish, it’s pronounced “koo-yo.”
    Andrea: fer real?
    Pat: No.
    Andrea: That is a silly thing to lie about.
    BUT GUESS WHAT??
    I got my mom’s kindle, and now I will be able to take notes right in the book.
    That will make things SO much easier.
    Pat: Oh good, you’ll be able to get right the notes you NEVER REMEMBER THE MEANING OF.

    (more…)

  • Hunger Games Influences, Or: The Boston Herald Doesn’t Read Much Stephen King

    Today, the Boston Herald‘s The Edge asks, “Which dystopian property does The Hunger Games most resemble?” Of course, Battle Royale comes up, since it’s essentially the same premise, only without exploding collars and no discernible Japanese characters, but their first suggestion is the Richard Bachman novella The Running Man. Again, fair enough, but it’s telling that they mention King’s pseudonymous dystopian book, which is often seen packaged with The Long Walk, which, while not having the constant television coverage or game network parallels with The Hunger Games, does involve a post-United States country of unspecified size and configuration, run by a brutal leader who every year runs a volunteer Long Walk to teenage boys, which only one can survive and ascend to fame and money, just like in Suzanne Collins’ books. Not even mentioning The Long Walk makes me think the author of the article hasn’t read The Bachman Books or The Running Man but has only seen the fucking movie. Okay, fine, since it is an entertainment site and that generally means no books unless they’re also movies (which is borne out by another entry in the list: Blade Runner, rather than Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?), but The Long Walk is a film property owned by Frank Motherfuckin’ Darabont, aka The Only Man To Make Good Adaptations Of Stephen King Stories, so at the very least, it should get a co-starring role in Running Man‘s part of the list. On the other hand, look at that AP picture of Jennifer Lawrence next to the article. I forgot what my argument was.

  • Meet the new Carrie: Hugo’s Chloe Moretz

    The feral ingenue from Kickass, Chloe Moretz, has been tapped to play the title character in a new MGM remake of Carrie. While she seems exactly zero scary, the whole Sissy Spacek creepy angle didn’t work for me in the original movie, so maybe the transformation from adorable blonde thing to psychokinetic lunatic will be perfect. Moretz, who inexplicably spoke with an English accent along with everyone else in Martin Scorsese’s Hugo, will be directed by Boys Don’t Cry filmmaker Kim Pierce.

    LATER:
    Andrea: Did you hear that they cast Chloe Moretz in the Carrie remake?
    Pat: Sounds familiar…
    Andrea: She’s not even ugly?!
    Pat: I posted it on our blog, with my argument that it didn’t work with creepy, bug-eye Sissy Spacek.
    Pat: So they might as well try it with a more angelic actress.
    Andrea: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT DIDN’T WORK?
    Andrea: She was perfect.
    Pat: She was AWFUL.
    Andrea: I strongly disagree.
    Pat: You strongly SMELL BAD.

  • Dark Tower Films Harder To Kill Than Roland Deschain

    After Ron Howard’s massive plans to bring the Dark Tower series to both the silver screen and the idiot box through Universal were crushed by the skittish studio for being too much of a risk, Warner Bros. has apparently been taking an interest in the sprawling epic, according to Entertainment Weekly, better known to industry insiders simply as Ew. The move would make sense, since Warner Bros. has already closed out its biggest franchise with the release of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, Part 2 and will lose Christopher Nolan’s Batman franchise once the third film is released this summer. It’s worth mentioning (MILD SPOILER) that one of the Dark Tower books references a piece of the Harry Potter world, although that’s unlikely to factor into Warner Bros.’ decision whether or not to put what will end up being over a billion dollars into making the movies. Everything is still up in the air until a studio is in place and financing secure, but Ron Howard remains attached (and apparently, ever vigilant) to direct the Akiva Goldsmith-penned script, and all signs point to thirty-foot tall Spaniard Javier Bardem playing the lead role as The Gunslinger, Roland Deschain.

The Drinking Game
is down for maintenance

Season 1
1974 — Carrie
1975 — Salem's Lot
1977 — The Shining
1977 — Rage
1978 — Night Shift

Season 2
1978 — The Stand
1979 — Long Walk
1979 — Dead Zone

Season 3
1980 — Firestarter
1981 — Roadwork
1981 — Cujo
1982 — Running Man

Season 4
1982 — The Gunslinger
1982 — Different Seasons
1983 — Christine
1983 — Pet Sematary
1983 — Cycle Of The Werewolf
1984 — Talisman
1984 — Thinner
1984 — The Mist
1984 — Skeleton Crew
1986 — IT

Season 5
1987 — Eyes Of The Dragon
1987 — The Drawing Of The Three
1987 — Misery
1987 — The Tommyknockers

Season 6
1989 — The Dark Half
1990 — Four Past Midnight
1991 — The Waste Lands
1991 — Needful Things
1992 — Gerald's Game
1992 — Dolores Claiborne
1993 — Nightmares & Dreamscapes

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