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  • Cujo

    Vic and Donna are married. They have a child, a precocious boy named Tad who is afraid of his closet. Which: good on you, Tad, there’s the fucking spirit of a serial killer living in there, and it keeps opening the door while you’re in bed with the lights out. Also, the evil spirit is going to possess a huge dog and give it rabies. But you’ll see. Donna has been cheating on Vic with a guy who plays tennis, drives a van with a mural on the side, and refinishes furniture. She breaks it off with Steve Kemp, TENNIS PRO, and he threatens her. Then he goes off and writes Vic a letter. THE AFFAIR IS BROUGHT TO LIGHT, just as Vic and his partner Roger have to go save their advertising agency with a trip to New York! What fun. At some point, Steve Kemp breaks into their home and comes all over their comforter. Good pun, that.

    Pat: WELCOME TO CASTLE ROCK. POPULATION: MARRITAL STRIFE.
    Andrea: YEAH SERIOUSLY.
    What are you up to?
    I mean in the book, not in life.
    Pat: Pinto just crapped out, but they got back to the house. Ol’ Joe Cambers is dead as fuck.
    Vic calls from Wherevertown.
    Andrea: I can’t believe you just called New York City “Wherevertown.”
    Pat: I didn’t know where the shit Vic and Roger went.
    Andrea: You have no reading comprehension.
    They went to go fix the cereal business. All of that seemed very archaic in our age of email, like, “OH HEY TRAVELING FOR BUSINESS NOT SURE WHEN GONNA BE BACK KBAI.”
    Pat: I know why they went, and where their ad agency had formerly been located. Doesn’t mean the shitting account was in New York.
    Andrea: OH TRUE.
    That was very deux ex machina. King was like, “OH HEY HOW DO I GET EVERYONE OUT OF TOWN LOLZ.”
    Pat: I don’t think that’s deus ex machina.
    Andrea: Well, YOU know what I mean.
    It is some Latin thing.
    Pat: You mean “convenient.”
    Andrea: I didn’t really care about Vic’s partner, Roger. He seemed to serve no purpose.
    Pat: I don’t think you’re supposed to care.
    Andrea: The whole idea of them leaving their NYC agency and going off on their own in Maine seemed kinda wonky.
    Pat: It seems absolutely wonky, but Roger makes it pretty fucking clear by the end that he hates New York and will do anything to keep from having to move him family back there, so that works for the story.
    Andrea: True.
    I liked the interlude about George Meara, the farting mailman.
    Pat: You like farting anything.
    Andrea: OH. I really liked the dynamic between the Cambers and the whole idea of Charity and Joe fighting for Brett’s soul. And the visit to Mrs. Cambers’ sister, Holly’s. I thought that was well done. And I was really really happy for them that Joe Cambers died.
    Pat: That was good, although, honestly, what the fuck did it have to do with anything? It’s like SK just had to make it seem like the characters didn’t JUST exist to leave Cujo on the farm.
    Andrea: Well, it got them away. It was at least as integral as the stupid Roger story line.
    So do you think he did a good job of that, or not?
    Pat: The sister visit? Yeah, although he didn’t bother trying to rope it through the Donna/Tad storyline.
    Andrea: Maybe it was to demonstrate that something good came out of the whole thing.
    Pat: I mean, mother and son struggling against something evil that wants to ruin them. WE GET IT, KING.
    Andrea: Right. It’s parallel.
    Pat: But there’s no interplay between what’s going on, except if you make that general leap on your own.
    Andrea: Which is part of what being a good reader is all about!
    Pat: What, using our brains to make connections the writer didn’t bother paralleling better?
    Andrea: Ha, yes. I mean, he paralleled them well enough if we made the connection, right?
    Pat: This is called “Constant Readers,” not “Constantly Making Up For The Shortfalls In Your Fucking Story, Stevie.” (more…)

  • Previewing Cujo

    Pat: It’s been difficult to get through the book this time. Because now I can’t not think of Cujo as a big friendly Saint Bernard.
    Andrea: What do you mean?
    Pat: The first time I read it, either out of ignorance or whatever, I never pictured a Saint Bernard. I pictured a hellbeast.
    Andrea: How far are you?
    Pat: Cujo just got rabies, and for some reason, it’s seven years later and Vic is talking to a guy about losing the Sharp account
    Andrea: Why is it seven years later? It’s never seven years later.
    Pat: It says SEVEN YEARS LATER
    Andrea: I am confused. Whatev.
    Pat: “Now, on the morning of June 16, 1980, he was pre-rabid.”
    SECTION BREAK
    oh
    shit
    days.
    not years.
    Andrea: LOL
    Pat: RETRACTED
    Andrea: Here’s you, being the worst.
    Pat: YOU GO TO HELL
    Andrea: If I did that you would be losing it.
    Pat: You do that shit ALL THE TIME.
    Andrea: I WAS SO CONFUSED.

  • Andy Dufresne’s Real Plan


    [via FatAwesome]

  • Pennywise For Your Thoughts

  • Apparently, Cujo is next?

    Andrea: Cujo! IS! NEXT!
    Pat: ugh. Whatever. I quit.
    IT doesn’t even show up for most of a decade.
    Andrea: omg
    Pat: I want to read IT this summer.
    Andrea: You can still read it this summer.
    We won’t be reading it for like five more summers.
    Pat: Let’s do a time warp reading.
    Andrea: NO.
    Pat: Where we time warp.
    Andrea: I refuse. (more…)

  • Roadwork, A Shitbird Novel by Richard Bachman

    Andrea: Roadwork was extremely enjoyable.
    Pat: That was quick.
    Andrea: I DESTROY YOU
    Pat: I didn’t even start it, whoreface.
    Andrea: Yes, I know. That is why i destroy you.
    Pat: I’m going to shit in your pants while you’re wearing them.
    Andrea:
    Pat: IN RETRIBUTION

    LATER:

    Pat: What a shitbird novel.
    Andrea: Does that mean you are done?
    Pat: I was done with this book the second I started reading it.
    Andrea: Are we discussing?
    Pat: Yes. Discussion: if this book was a bird, what kind of bird would it be?
    Andrea: Not even going to justify that.
    Pat: Well, I’ll tell you: a shirtbird.

    (more…)

  • Firestarter

    Pat: Are you ready to pick the fuck back up with Firestarter?
    Andrea: Ugh not really.
    Pat: YOU ARE A SHITPAIN IN MY POOPHOLE.
    Andrea: Was this your least favorite so far?
    Pat: Probably, although I liked it from “The Blackout” on.
    Andrea: I HATED IT.
    Pat: There are so many stairs I want you to fall down.
    BEFORE YOU FALL DOWN THOSE STAIRS, THOUGH, ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU A SLIGHT REWRITE OF THE NOVEL:
    Page 1 Andy looked at his child, burnt teddy in his hands, and he lost his temper. “That is bad, Charlie! You did a BAD THING.” Then he stopped, panting. When he spoke, he voice had dropped an octave, becoming gentle and steady: “Charlie, you will never do that again. You were never able to set fires or move things with your mind,” he said, and pushed with all his might.
    THE END
    Andrea: Seriously. I mean, he could push her, right? That was proven at the end?
    Pat: Yeah, and anyway, why the hell hadn’t that occurred to him in EIGHT FUCKING YEARS.
    Andrea: I hated that this whole book was about a poor little girl with a sad miserable life and no mommy who was sad and scared all the time.
    APPARENTLY I CAN’T READ ANYTHING WITH SAD KIDS ANYMORE THANKS HORMONES
    Pat: Did You Know? The original title for this novel was Carrie 2: Pyrokinetic Bugaloo.
    Andrea: I know, right? Even the puberty/period themes were there.
    SK really fell asleep at the wheel on this one.
    Pat: Yeah, “asleep.” DRUUUUUUUNK.
    Andrea: Stephen “Boozehound” King.
    Pat: “Boozehound”? Are you from the twenties?
    (more…)

  • Previewing Firestarter

    December 7th, 2011, in which Andrea is gullible:
    Andrea: omg what about what’s it called?
    The next SK.
    Pat: Firestarter.
    Andrea: No, isn’t it Roadwork?
    or Running Man?
    I forget and am too lazy to google.
    Pat: Pretty sure it’s Firestarter.
    Andrea: You are right.
    So anyway, can that be next?
    Pat: UGH FINE
    Andrea: I am beginning to doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
    Then it is Roadwork, THEN CUJO OMG.
    Pat: In Spanish, it’s pronounced “koo-yo.”
    Andrea: fer real?
    Pat: No.
    Andrea: That is a silly thing to lie about.
    BUT GUESS WHAT??
    I got my mom’s kindle, and now I will be able to take notes right in the book.
    That will make things SO much easier.
    Pat: Oh good, you’ll be able to get right the notes you NEVER REMEMBER THE MEANING OF.

    (more…)

  • Hunger Games Influences, Or: The Boston Herald Doesn’t Read Much Stephen King

    Today, the Boston Herald‘s The Edge asks, “Which dystopian property does The Hunger Games most resemble?” Of course, Battle Royale comes up, since it’s essentially the same premise, only without exploding collars and no discernible Japanese characters, but their first suggestion is the Richard Bachman novella The Running Man. Again, fair enough, but it’s telling that they mention King’s pseudonymous dystopian book, which is often seen packaged with The Long Walk, which, while not having the constant television coverage or game network parallels with The Hunger Games, does involve a post-United States country of unspecified size and configuration, run by a brutal leader who every year runs a volunteer Long Walk to teenage boys, which only one can survive and ascend to fame and money, just like in Suzanne Collins’ books. Not even mentioning The Long Walk makes me think the author of the article hasn’t read The Bachman Books or The Running Man but has only seen the fucking movie. Okay, fine, since it is an entertainment site and that generally means no books unless they’re also movies (which is borne out by another entry in the list: Blade Runner, rather than Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?), but The Long Walk is a film property owned by Frank Motherfuckin’ Darabont, aka The Only Man To Make Good Adaptations Of Stephen King Stories, so at the very least, it should get a co-starring role in Running Man‘s part of the list. On the other hand, look at that AP picture of Jennifer Lawrence next to the article. I forgot what my argument was.

  • Meet the new Carrie: Hugo’s Chloe Moretz

    The feral ingenue from Kickass, Chloe Moretz, has been tapped to play the title character in a new MGM remake of Carrie. While she seems exactly zero scary, the whole Sissy Spacek creepy angle didn’t work for me in the original movie, so maybe the transformation from adorable blonde thing to psychokinetic lunatic will be perfect. Moretz, who inexplicably spoke with an English accent along with everyone else in Martin Scorsese’s Hugo, will be directed by Boys Don’t Cry filmmaker Kim Pierce.

    LATER:
    Andrea: Did you hear that they cast Chloe Moretz in the Carrie remake?
    Pat: Sounds familiar…
    Andrea: She’s not even ugly?!
    Pat: I posted it on our blog, with my argument that it didn’t work with creepy, bug-eye Sissy Spacek.
    Pat: So they might as well try it with a more angelic actress.
    Andrea: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT DIDN’T WORK?
    Andrea: She was perfect.
    Pat: She was AWFUL.
    Andrea: I strongly disagree.
    Pat: You strongly SMELL BAD.

The Drinking Game
is down for maintenance

Season 1
1974 — Carrie
1975 — Salem's Lot
1977 — The Shining
1977 — Rage
1978 — Night Shift

Season 2
1978 — The Stand
1979 — Long Walk
1979 — Dead Zone

Season 3
1980 — Firestarter
1981 — Roadwork
1981 — Cujo
1982 — Running Man

Season 4
1982 — The Gunslinger
1982 — Different Seasons
1983 — Christine
1983 — Pet Sematary
1983 — Cycle Of The Werewolf
1984 — Talisman
1984 — Thinner
1984 — The Mist
1984 — Skeleton Crew
1986 — IT

Season 5
1987 — Eyes Of The Dragon
1987 — The Drawing Of The Three
1987 — Misery
1987 — The Tommyknockers

Season 6
1989 — The Dark Half
1990 — Four Past Midnight
1991 — The Waste Lands
1991 — Needful Things
1992 — Gerald's Game
1992 — Dolores Claiborne
1993 — Nightmares & Dreamscapes

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