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- Apt Pupil
- Breathing Method
- Cycle Of The Werewolf
- Dark Tower
- Different Seasons
- Drawing Of The Three
- Eyes Of The Dragon
- Night Shift
- Pet Sematary
- Richard Bachman
- Salem's Lot
- Shawshank Redemption
- Skeleton Crew
- The Body
- The Constant Reader
- The Dark Tower
- The Dead Zone
- The Gunslinger
- The Gunslinger
- The Langoliers
- The Long Walk
- The Mist
- The Readers
- The Running Man
- The Shining
- The Stand
- The Talisman
- The Tommyknockers
- The Writer
Pat: Let me tell you, I have no idea if this is right of me, but every time I see “awhile” when King means “a while,” I want to shoot blood lasers out of my eyes.
Andrea: I think “awhile” is legit.
HE IS USING IT TO MEAN AN ACTUAL INCREMENT OF TIME.
Andrea: I just got an email from a children’s publication with their model search winners, and I have to say, my kid is way cuter than all of them!
Pat: True story: that story sucked.
Andrea: I don’t know that I would call it a story.
Pat: True story that doesn’t suck: I’ve been watching end-of-the-world movies, and two of them happened to have Denise Crosby in them—she, the giver of sponge-gloved handjobs.
Andrea: Huh? Who is Denise Crosby? Are you talking about Dee Wallace Stone?
Pat: Yes, I accidentally misspelled “Dee Wallace Stone” as “Denise Crosby.”
I guess “sponge-gloved handjobs” doesn’t ring a bell with you because your mind is goo.
Andrea: Oh, the mom from Pet Sematary.
I’m not on a first-name or actually any-name basis with her.
Pat: Did Google have to help you with that?
Pat: Did you google “Denise Crosby” and “Why am brain filled with goo?”
Andrea: You are one cynical bastard.
Pat: “Siri, look up ‘Alzheimer’s cures.'”
Andrea: Chloe Grace Moretz is WAY too pretty.
Pat: It’s not just that she’s too pretty—she’s too adorable. Like, you feel bad for her not because bad stuff is happening to her, but because it’s happening to an adorable younger sister.
Andrea: Yeah. And also she’s kind of hot, too.
Andrea: It looks good though.
Pat: All they really did was not put makeup on her and give her the dowdiest hair imaginable. Which, picturing it in the 70s or 80s, as I was, made the hairstyle seem appropriate. CHIC, EVEN.
Andrea: I thought Julianne Moore looked great as the mom though.
Pat: She’s got that kind of gaunt and wearied look in the trailer I expect from Mrs. White.
Andrea: Is it a period piece or supposed to be modern? I couldn’t really tell from the photo.
Pat: DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST ASK ME IF CARRIE IS A “PERIOD PIECE”?
Pat: It’s like you don’t know more than one definition for any one word.
Andrea: They kept the period scene. I was worried about that.
Pat:: And of course they kept the period scene. Getting rid of that would be like getting rid of the pig’s blood.
Andrea: PLUG IT UP. (more…)
Hello, and welcome to Mid-Earth or Mid-World or something like that, Stephen King’s most totally fucked world yet. It’s also the world that pretty much everything he’s ever written ties into one way or another.
In the beginning, all we know is that a gunslinger named Roland is following a man in black who is NOT Johnny Cash across a desert. We don’t know it yet, but this world is falling apart for various reasons. Also, reality itself is crumbling. Oh boy.
It was only a matter of time before shitbird came up.Pat: This is like you’re Roland, and I’m Walter, because I know everything that’s going to happen, and you’re just a dude who needs a shave and a bath.
Andrea: Let me just start by asking, are they in an apocalyptic future or an alternative universe or a rip in the space time continuum or what?
Pat: Did you miss the part where they said that was going on? AND THEN EXPLAINED HOW THE DARK TOWER WORKS?
Pat: Let me respond by saying, “Who said all of those possibilities were mutually exclusive?”
Andrea: Got it.
Pat: As Walter o’ Dim said, the Dark Tower is the nexus of SIZE, more than anything else; the whole scale of existence, from our universe to the blade of purple grass our universe may be an atom inside.
Andrea: Because like, Jake seemed to be from the past while Roland didn’t even know what drugs were.
Pat: Jake is technically from the now.
The kind of brilliant thing King is doing here is that time isn’t all that important. It exists all at once, and it’s size and number that matter.
Andrea: It blew my mind, maaaaaan.
Pat: Christ, by, what it is it, book five, Wolves Of The Calla, Father Calahan appears. From motherfucking Salem’s Lot.
Andrea: Oh man!!
So let’s start from the beginning
Pat: It’s insane. You will be a dried out husk when you finish this.
This is like you’re Roland, and I’m Walter, because I know the whole thing.
Andrea: With an old wrinkled dug. SHOUT OUT to Roadwork.
Pat: Choke on a thousand dicks.
Andrea: What was with the “Hey Jude” references throughout?
Maybe in 1982 it wasn’t such a song that nobody ever wanted to hear again.
Pat: It’s the bleed of the worlds breaking down. Or the barriers between them. I think he mentions that there are places where the membrane of the world has become thin.
So as the world moves on, things bleed through.
Andrea: There is sort of a similar idea in 11/22/63.
Pat: Well, yeah, everything he writes seems to have some connection with The Dark Tower.
Andrea: I thought it was really well written, in stark contrast to that piece of shit The Running Man.
Pat: There’s only one point where he uses a word that makes NO SENSE within the context and tone of the book.
Andrea: Which is?
Pat: Roland thinks something about being “acrophobic.”
Andrea: OH! I noticed that. (more…)
Pat: Since The Gunslinger is so sort, allow me to make it more difficult for you: every time King calls him “the man in black,” try not to think of Johnny Cash.
Andrea: OK, so I totally started to read this before because there was a bookmark in the book, but apparently I got bored after like 20 pages and never finished.
So I must have really hated it because I never do that.
Pat: Or you bought it, and the bookstore put a bookmark in it, as they do. Unless it’s my copy.
Andrea: It’s your copy, but it was definitely my bookmark.
Pat: Maybe it’s my bookmark?
Andrea: Nope, it’s mine.
Pat: Does the bookmark say, “I am a pedantic weinermobile?”
Andrea: No. It was a grocery receipt.
Pat: Weird. I don’t buy groceries AND I’m not a pedantic weinermobile. The plot thickens.
Ben Richards lives in the year 2025. You can tell because there are things called “oldbucks” and “New Credit dollars,” technicos fix things, Free-Vees broadcast free television, everything has a vaguely British accent to it (“Rich Blokes Smoke Dokes!”), and some improbable mode of transit called “pneumo buses” ferries the employed and New-Credit-dollared-up folks of Co-Op City around. The future sucks.
Pat: I think I could make a good argument for this being the first book that King actually wrote.
Andrea: How so?
Pat: Because it’s awful genre fiction. Especially in the beginning, where every sentence could be summed up with “IT WAS THE FUTURE. THE FUTURE SUCKED.” (more…)
Andrea: Can we talk Running Man before I forget all about it?
Pat: I’m at my cousin’s. It’s an uncomfortable setting for such lofty discussions.
Pat: OKAY WHATEVER.
Andrea: No, it’s fine. We can do it next week.
Pat: Sure you won’t forget all the running?
Pat: Just watched it. Holy fuck.
Andrea: idk if that is a good or a bad “holy fuck.”
Pat: Good. Oh so good.
Andrea: Apparently, it is going to be super bloody.
Pat: People are starring in Stephen King movies that are more than half our age.
Andrea: I know. We have failed at life.
Pat: Did you watch it yet?
Andrea: AWESOME. (more…)
Vic and Donna are married. They have a child, a precocious boy named Tad who is afraid of his closet. Which: good on you, Tad, there’s the fucking spirit of a serial killer living in there, and it keeps opening the door while you’re in bed with the lights out. Also, the evil spirit is going to possess a huge dog and give it rabies. But you’ll see. Donna has been cheating on Vic with a guy who plays tennis, drives a van with a mural on the side, and refinishes furniture. She breaks it off with Steve Kemp, TENNIS PRO, and he threatens her. Then he goes off and writes Vic a letter. THE AFFAIR IS BROUGHT TO LIGHT, just as Vic and his partner Roger have to go save their advertising agency with a trip to New York! What fun. At some point, Steve Kemp breaks into their home and comes all over their comforter. Good pun, that.
Pat: WELCOME TO CASTLE ROCK. POPULATION: MARRITAL STRIFE.
Andrea: YEAH SERIOUSLY.
What are you up to?
I mean in the book, not in life.
Pat: Pinto just crapped out, but they got back to the house. Ol’ Joe Cambers is dead as fuck.
Vic calls from Wherevertown.
Andrea: I can’t believe you just called New York City “Wherevertown.”
Pat: I didn’t know where the shit Vic and Roger went.
Andrea: You have no reading comprehension.
They went to go fix the cereal business. All of that seemed very archaic in our age of email, like, “OH HEY TRAVELING FOR BUSINESS NOT SURE WHEN GONNA BE BACK KBAI.”
Pat: I know why they went, and where their ad agency had formerly been located. Doesn’t mean the shitting account was in New York.
Andrea: OH TRUE.
That was very deux ex machina. King was like, “OH HEY HOW DO I GET EVERYONE OUT OF TOWN LOLZ.”
Pat: I don’t think that’s deus ex machina.
Andrea: Well, YOU know what I mean.
It is some Latin thing.
Pat: You mean “convenient.”
Andrea: I didn’t really care about Vic’s partner, Roger. He seemed to serve no purpose.
Pat: I don’t think you’re supposed to care.
Andrea: The whole idea of them leaving their NYC agency and going off on their own in Maine seemed kinda wonky.
Pat: It seems absolutely wonky, but Roger makes it pretty fucking clear by the end that he hates New York and will do anything to keep from having to move him family back there, so that works for the story.
I liked the interlude about George Meara, the farting mailman.
Pat: You like farting anything.
Andrea: OH. I really liked the dynamic between the Cambers and the whole idea of Charity and Joe fighting for Brett’s soul. And the visit to Mrs. Cambers’ sister, Holly’s. I thought that was well done. And I was really really happy for them that Joe Cambers died.
Pat: That was good, although, honestly, what the fuck did it have to do with anything? It’s like SK just had to make it seem like the characters didn’t JUST exist to leave Cujo on the farm.
Andrea: Well, it got them away. It was at least as integral as the stupid Roger story line.
So do you think he did a good job of that, or not?
Pat: The sister visit? Yeah, although he didn’t bother trying to rope it through the Donna/Tad storyline.
Andrea: Maybe it was to demonstrate that something good came out of the whole thing.
Pat: I mean, mother and son struggling against something evil that wants to ruin them. WE GET IT, KING.
Andrea: Right. It’s parallel.
Pat: But there’s no interplay between what’s going on, except if you make that general leap on your own.
Andrea: Which is part of what being a good reader is all about!
Pat: What, using our brains to make connections the writer didn’t bother paralleling better?
Andrea: Ha, yes. I mean, he paralleled them well enough if we made the connection, right?
Pat: This is called “Constant Readers,” not “Constantly Making Up For The Shortfalls In Your Fucking Story, Stevie.” (more…)