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  • Different Seasons: Rita Hayworth And Shawshank Redemption

    Rita Hayworth And Shawshank Redemption, the first story in Different Seasons, is the story of one Andy Dufresne, shrewd banker and totally nice everyman, who lands in jail for the murder of his wife and her lover, even though is so definitely innocent. In jail, he befriends a dude named Red, who is oh for fuck sake you’ve all seen the fucking movie. It’s basically that, except Red isn’t black and Dufresne gets his post-prison money elsewise. Let’s check in with the live press conference, where Pat and Andrea are both incapable of talking at length about a book as good as Shawshank.

    Pat: Let’s get the most important issue out of the way first: is it even possible to say anything bad about this story?MOTHERFUCKING ALL OF IT. IT’S SHAWSHANK, BITCH.
    Andrea: Not really.
    One thing bothered me–at the beginning, Red mentions that he married his wife because she was pregnant. That child is never mentioned again. He didn’t die in the car because they said he was serving time for three lives. Did he live?
    Pat: I don’t know, why don’t you bring it up with your Mothers Who Read And Can’t Overlook A Child That Was Mentioned ONE FUCKING TIME support group?
    Or you could write to the ladies of The View.
    Andrea: All my book group ladies quit the book group. Because they are swinging single bar workers who don’t have time to read.
    Pat: They probably wanted to get away from discussing whatever child was mentioned in any book.
    “I loved Cloud Atlas, but what about the kid that was described passing the main character on the street on page 256? Did he ever grow up? Get married?”
    Andrea: OMG
    Pat: You’re going to end up writing fan fic about the children obliquely mentioned in popular books. That will be your niche.
    Andrea: I hate you so much.
    I just wanted to know! Did he have any family left? Siiiihghhghghghghhghghgh
    Pat: He’s an Irish dude in New England. I imagine he had tons of family.
    Andrea: They just wrote him off, what with the murderin’.
    Pat: Pretty likely. Or because he was in jail for life.
    Andrea: The characterization is really sharp in this book. Partly what makes it such a level above The Running Man.
    Pat: See Dick Run is a level above Running Man. (more…)

  • Previewing Rita Hayworth And Shawshank Redemption

    Pat: Let me tell you, I have no idea if this is right of me, but every time I see “awhile” when King means “a while,” I want to shoot blood lasers out of my eyes.
    Andrea: I think “awhile” is legit.
    Pat: NO.
    HE IS USING IT TO MEAN AN ACTUAL INCREMENT OF TIME.
    A “WHILE.”

  • Interlude: Sponge-gloved Handjobs

    Andrea: I just got an email from a children’s publication with their model search winners, and I have to say, my kid is way cuter than all of them!
    Pat: True story: that story sucked.
    Andrea: I don’t know that I would call it a story.
    Pat: True story that doesn’t suck: I’ve been watching end-of-the-world movies, and two of them happened to have Denise Crosby in them—she, the giver of sponge-gloved handjobs.
    Andrea: Huh? Who is Denise Crosby? Are you talking about Dee Wallace Stone?
    Pat: Yes, I accidentally misspelled “Dee Wallace Stone” as “Denise Crosby.”
    I guess “sponge-gloved handjobs” doesn’t ring a bell with you because your mind is goo.
    Andrea: Oh, the mom from Pet Sematary.
    I’m not on a first-name or actually any-name basis with her.
    Pat: Did Google have to help you with that?
    Andrea: NO.
    Pat: Did you google “Denise Crosby” and “Why am brain filled with goo?”
    Andrea: You are one cynical bastard.
    Pat: “Siri, look up ‘Alzheimer’s cures.'”

  • Stephen King vs. Stanley Kubrick

    The Guardian wonders if Stephen King was right to hate Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of The Shining, which, as we’ve discussed at length, gave us a whole lot of the memorable things we associate with that story.

  • Full Trailer for Carrie Remake

    Andrea: Chloe Grace Moretz is WAY too pretty.
    Pat: It’s not just that she’s too pretty—she’s too adorable. Like, you feel bad for her not because bad stuff is happening to her, but because it’s happening to an adorable younger sister.
    Andrea: Yeah. And also she’s kind of hot, too.
    Pat: Right?
    Andrea: It looks good though.
    Pat: All they really did was not put makeup on her and give her the dowdiest hair imaginable. Which, picturing it in the 70s or 80s, as I was, made the hairstyle seem appropriate. CHIC, EVEN.
    Andrea: I thought Julianne Moore looked great as the mom though.
    Pat: She’s got that kind of gaunt and wearied look in the trailer I expect from Mrs. White.
    Andrea: Is it a period piece or supposed to be modern? I couldn’t really tell from the photo.
    Pat: DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST ASK ME IF CARRIE IS A “PERIOD PIECE”?
    Andrea: lolololol
    Pat: It’s like you don’t know more than one definition for any one word.
    Andrea: They kept the period scene. I was worried about that.
    Pat:: And of course they kept the period scene. Getting rid of that would be like getting rid of the pig’s blood.
    Andrea: PLUG IT UP. (more…)

  • Dark Tower I: The Gunslinger

    Hello, and welcome to Mid-Earth or Mid-World or something like that, Stephen King’s most totally fucked world yet. It’s also the world that pretty much everything he’s ever written ties into one way or another.

    In the beginning, all we know is that a gunslinger named Roland is following a man in black who is NOT Johnny Cash across a desert. We don’t know it yet, but this world is falling apart for various reasons. Also, reality itself is crumbling. Oh boy.

    It was only a matter of time before shitbird came up.Pat: This is like you’re Roland, and I’m Walter, because I know everything that’s going to happen, and you’re just a dude who needs a shave and a bath.
    Andrea: Let me just start by asking, are they in an apocalyptic future or an alternative universe or a rip in the space time continuum or what?
    Pat: Did you miss the part where they said that was going on? AND THEN EXPLAINED HOW THE DARK TOWER WORKS?
    Andrea: Maybe?
    Pat: Let me respond by saying, “Who said all of those possibilities were mutually exclusive?”
    Andrea: Got it.
    Pat: As Walter o’ Dim said, the Dark Tower is the nexus of SIZE, more than anything else; the whole scale of existence, from our universe to the blade of purple grass our universe may be an atom inside.
    Andrea: Because like, Jake seemed to be from the past while Roland didn’t even know what drugs were.
    Pat: Jake is technically from the now.
    The kind of brilliant thing King is doing here is that time isn’t all that important. It exists all at once, and it’s size and number that matter.
    Andrea: It blew my mind, maaaaaan.
    Pat: Christ, by, what it is it, book five, Wolves Of The Calla, Father Calahan appears. From motherfucking Salem’s Lot.
    Andrea: Oh man!!
    So let’s start from the beginning
    Pat: It’s insane. You will be a dried out husk when you finish this.
    This is like you’re Roland, and I’m Walter, because I know the whole thing.
    Andrea: With an old wrinkled dug. SHOUT OUT to Roadwork.
    Pat: Choke on a thousand dicks.
    Andrea: What was with the “Hey Jude” references throughout?
    Maybe in 1982 it wasn’t such a song that nobody ever wanted to hear again.
    Pat: It’s the bleed of the worlds breaking down. Or the barriers between them. I think he mentions that there are places where the membrane of the world has become thin.
    So as the world moves on, things bleed through.
    Andrea: There is sort of a similar idea in 11/22/63.
    Pat: Well, yeah, everything he writes seems to have some connection with The Dark Tower.
    Andrea: I thought it was really well written, in stark contrast to that piece of shit The Running Man.
    Pat: There’s only one point where he uses a word that makes NO SENSE within the context and tone of the book.
    Andrea: Which is?
    Pat: Roland thinks something about being “acrophobic.”
    Andrea: OH! I noticed that. (more…)

  • Previewing The Gunslinger

    Pat: Since The Gunslinger is so sort, allow me to make it more difficult for you: every time King calls him “the man in black,” try not to think of Johnny Cash.
    You’re welcome.
    Andrea: ha

  • The Running Man

    Andrea: OK, so I totally started to read this before because there was a bookmark in the book, but apparently I got bored after like 20 pages and never finished.
    So I must have really hated it because I never do that.
    Pat: Or you bought it, and the bookstore put a bookmark in it, as they do. Unless it’s my copy.
    Andrea: It’s your copy, but it was definitely my bookmark.
    Pat: Maybe it’s my bookmark?
    Andrea: Nope, it’s mine.
    Pat: Does the bookmark say, “I am a pedantic weinermobile?”
    Andrea: No. It was a grocery receipt.
    Pat: Weird. I don’t buy groceries AND I’m not a pedantic weinermobile. The plot thickens.

    Ben Richards lives in the year 2025. You can tell because there are things called “oldbucks” and “New Credit dollars,” technicos fix things, Free-Vees broadcast free television, everything has a vaguely British accent to it (“Rich Blokes Smoke Dokes!”), and some improbable mode of transit called “pneumo buses” ferries the employed and New-Credit-dollared-up folks of Co-Op City around. The future sucks.

    Pat: I think I could make a good argument for this being the first book that King actually wrote.
    Andrea: How so?
    Pat: Because it’s awful genre fiction. Especially in the beginning, where every sentence could be summed up with “IT WAS THE FUTURE. THE FUTURE SUCKED.” (more…)

  • Previewing The Running Man

    Andrea: Can we talk Running Man before I forget all about it?
    Pat: I’m at my cousin’s. It’s an uncomfortable setting for such lofty discussions.
    Andrea: omg
    Pat: OKAY WHATEVER.
    Andrea: No, it’s fine. We can do it next week.
    Pat: Sure you won’t forget all the running?

  • Teaser Trailer for Carrie remake

    Pat: Just watched it. Holy fuck.
    Andrea: idk if that is a good or a bad “holy fuck.”
    Pat: Good. Oh so good.
    Andrea: Apparently, it is going to be super bloody.
    Pat: People are starring in Stephen King movies that are more than half our age.
    Andrea: I know. We have failed at life.
    Pat: Did you watch it yet?
    Andrea: AWESOME. (more…)

The Drinking Game
is down for maintenance

Season 1
1974 — Carrie
1975 — Salem's Lot
1977 — The Shining
1977 — Rage
1978 — Night Shift

Season 2
1978 — The Stand
1979 — Long Walk
1979 — Dead Zone

Season 3
1980 — Firestarter
1981 — Roadwork
1981 — Cujo
1982 — Running Man

Season 4
1982 — The Gunslinger
1982 — Different Seasons
1983 — Christine
1983 — Pet Sematary
1983 — Cycle Of The Werewolf
1984 — Talisman
1984 — Thinner
1984 — The Mist
1984 — Skeleton Crew
1986 — IT

Season 5
1987 — Eyes Of The Dragon
1987 — The Drawing Of The Three
1987 — Misery
1987 — The Tommyknockers

Season 6
1989 — The Dark Half
1990 — Four Past Midnight
1991 — The Waste Lands
1991 — Needful Things
1992 — Gerald's Game
1992 — Dolores Claiborne
1993 — Nightmares & Dreamscapes

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