America, sometime in the early 1990s. Or maybe it’s the 1980s. It depends on which version of the book you read. Whenever it is, it’s the last days of human civilization as we know it, because The Goddamn Government has been storing Totally Unacceptably Murderous Diseases because there’s just no way any would ever get out. So: one gets out. The Superflu—or Captain Trips, if you prefer—travels from a military installation in the desert, through Arlene, Texas, and spreads through the entire country and, presumably, the entire world. The population is decimated in a matter of weeks, leaving a handful of survivors—a relative “handful,” anyway—to pick sides in a final battle between good and evil. Or, more appropriately, between sweet old black women and hippies in Canadian tuxedos.
In the Beginning
Andrea: So. He dedicates the book to Tabby: “This dark chest of wonders.” If you are a writer do you think you have to dedicate every book to your spouse?
Pat: Do you think Tabitha King has a “dark chest of wonders”?
Andrea: I don’t know if that would even be a good thing or a bad thing.
Pat: And does that refer to the up-top or the down-low?
How many of the books we’ve read has he dedicated to Stabitha?
Andrea: The down-low. As in Pandora’s box. OH SNAP. I don’t know.
Some were to his kids I think.
Pat: Must be Joe King. FYI, that’s my running gag for this blog. Joe King used instead of joking.
Andrea: I know. It sucks. Creepy Uncle Stevie alert: The preface says “I think we can talk better…in the dark.”
Pat: You know, he’s got campfire story-voice.
Andrea: He sure does. Then he uses the line “It goes somewhere but it ain’t, you know, boss”
Pat: Like your Cub Scout leader, with the light dancing over his grizzled beard, one hand in his pants, one hand in yours.
Andrea: You mean like YOUR Cub Scout leader
Pat: My Cub Scout leader barely had all of his fingers, on account of the Korea.
Andrea: He also notes in the preface that he wishes Springsteen coulda played Larry Underwood.
Pat: Springsteen would have been Glen Bateman’s age in 1990. Larry Underwood is in his late twenties, for God’s sake.
Andrea: Maybe that’s why it didn’t come to pass.
Andrea: Yeah, but a young sexy 41. Anything else about the preface?
Pat: Well, 45 by the time the series was made.
Andrea: If you live in NJ you have to let your wife sleep with Bruce. State law. (more…)
Andrea: Did you read about the new Stand movie?
FEATURE FILM, BIATCH.
God damnit, I already need to get cast as Eddie Dean in The Gunslinger, and they’re redoing The Stand? That was my dream! Me as Larry Underwood!
Andrea: Let’s talk about who they should cast.
In real life with real people who are really in the movies.
Pat: I WAS IN A MOVIE
Andrea: WHAT MOVIE
Pat: MY UNCLE’S
WITH EDIE FALCO
Andrea: “A movie” is very different than “the movies.”
Andrea: SO. THE STAND FROM THE TOP.
LET US ADDRESS THE REAL ISSUE
Andrea: Which is?
Pat: WHICH IS: HOW AWESOME AM I?
Andrea: Well, considering I finished in July, not very.
Pat: Did you read it in TWO FUCKING WEEKS?
Pat: Did I lose my notes for A WHOLE WEEK?
Andrea: It has been like 3 days.
Pat: Am I the best… AROUND? (Nothing’sgonnaeverkeepmedown)
Andrea: I weep for your future wife because you are damn insufferable.
Pat: I was just farming for something to put on the website. ACCOMPLISHED.