Firestarter

  • Firestarter

    Pat: Are you ready to pick the fuck back up with Firestarter?
    Andrea: Ugh not really.
    Pat: YOU ARE A SHITPAIN IN MY POOPHOLE.
    Andrea: Was this your least favorite so far?
    Pat: Probably, although I liked it from “The Blackout” on.
    Andrea: I HATED IT.
    Pat: There are so many stairs I want you to fall down.
    BEFORE YOU FALL DOWN THOSE STAIRS, THOUGH, ALLOW ME TO GIVE YOU A SLIGHT REWRITE OF THE NOVEL:
    Page 1 Andy looked at his child, burnt teddy in his hands, and he lost his temper. “That is bad, Charlie! You did a BAD THING.” Then he stopped, panting. When he spoke, he voice had dropped an octave, becoming gentle and steady: “Charlie, you will never do that again. You were never able to set fires or move things with your mind,” he said, and pushed with all his might.
    THE END
    Andrea: Seriously. I mean, he could push her, right? That was proven at the end?
    Pat: Yeah, and anyway, why the hell hadn’t that occurred to him in EIGHT FUCKING YEARS.
    Andrea: I hated that this whole book was about a poor little girl with a sad miserable life and no mommy who was sad and scared all the time.
    APPARENTLY I CAN’T READ ANYTHING WITH SAD KIDS ANYMORE THANKS HORMONES
    Pat: Did You Know? The original title for this novel was Carrie 2: Pyrokinetic Bugaloo.
    Andrea: I know, right? Even the puberty/period themes were there.
    SK really fell asleep at the wheel on this one.
    Pat: Yeah, “asleep.” DRUUUUUUUNK.
    Andrea: Stephen “Boozehound” King.
    Pat: “Boozehound”? Are you from the twenties?
    (more…)

  • Previewing Firestarter

    December 7th, 2011, in which Andrea is gullible:
    Andrea: omg what about what’s it called?
    The next SK.
    Pat: Firestarter.
    Andrea: No, isn’t it Roadwork?
    or Running Man?
    I forget and am too lazy to google.
    Pat: Pretty sure it’s Firestarter.
    Andrea: You are right.
    So anyway, can that be next?
    Pat: UGH FINE
    Andrea: I am beginning to doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
    Then it is Roadwork, THEN CUJO OMG.
    Pat: In Spanish, it’s pronounced “koo-yo.”
    Andrea: fer real?
    Pat: No.
    Andrea: That is a silly thing to lie about.
    BUT GUESS WHAT??
    I got my mom’s kindle, and now I will be able to take notes right in the book.
    That will make things SO much easier.
    Pat: Oh good, you’ll be able to get right the notes you NEVER REMEMBER THE MEANING OF.

    (more…)