• The Tommyknockers

    Roberta “Bobbi” Andersen is a poet and novelist living on a wide tract of land in rural Massachusetts. She’s got an aging dog named Peter, and apparently only one friend, another poet by the name of James “Gard” Gardener. She lives the typical life of a poet, which, shit, this isn’t going to be very interesting. Oh wait, she’s just unearthed something way out in her backyard!

    Pat: We were robbed of the eventually realization that this metal thing she’s found is a motherfucking UFO.
    Andrea: Until the buried saucer of menstrual blood rears it’s ugly head.
    Pat: I mean, since we already knew going into this book that it’s about a flying saucer.
    Andrea: I kind of envy her solitary life in the woods. It sounds pretty peaceful. Even though I wouldn’t really like it.
    Pat: “It sounds pretty peaceful, except for the humongous flying saucer buried in the woods. And the anti-aging effect it has. And that it makes her dog evil.” (more…)

  • Misery

    Andrea: Once upon a time, there was a man named Paul Sheldon who was a very famous writer, about as famous as, IDK, one Stephen King.
    Pat: Disagree.
    Andrea: Do you ever not disagree? Cause that would be novel.
    Pat: As famous as Charlotte Whatshername, maybe.
    Andrea: Bronte?
    Pat: The True Blood hack.
    Yeah, the famous Bronte sister that wrote True Blood. That one.
    Andrea: I started typing before you said True Blood, you douche.
    I think that lady is named Charlaine.

    Paul Sheldon is a novelist who rose to fame with his Misery series of books. Misery being the improbably name of the main character, who he recently killed off to his own personal delight. He is currently celebrating in an unknown bed in an extraordinary amount of pain, which he imagines as a bunch of pilings off of a beach that are periodically submerged by the tide.

    Pat: I’m not a huge fan of books starting off with extraordinarily vague details.
    Andrea: No. If I was reading this now for the first time I’d be like, OH MY GOD NO. STOP SUCKING.
    Pat: That’s PRECISELY what I was saying to the book.
    Andrea: Right. I remember because I was telling you how awesome it was, and you said it sucked for like, 24 hours.
    Pat: It sucked for the first day I was reading it. Things can suck and then not suck. Apart from you, who has always sucked and will ever suck.
    The only specifics we get are that someone with godawful breath resuscitated him, and he’s in a bed in the home of his “number one fan.”
    “…raped back into life by the woman’s stinking breath.”
    Andrea: Gag. I don’t know if there is anything worse than bad breath. It is DECAYING FOOD IN SOMEONE’S MOUTH.
    Pat: I’m thinking AIDS is probably worse. And the Holocaust.
    Andrea: I’m just talking smells. Not genocide. (more…)

  • Drawing Of The Three

    Prologue: The Sailor

    When we left Roland of Dechain, noted Last of the Gunslingers and all-around grizzled dude, he had finally caught up with the Man In Black, whose name turned out to be Marten, and learned more about the next step in his quest for the Dark Tower, the point upon which all possible universes turn. He was told that he’d have to draw three people to help him in his quest, right before the universe exploded in a dazzling Pink Floyd laser show and Marten drank from the wrong Holy Grail. He wakes up on the Western Sea, where lobster-like monsters quickly take him from ten fingers to eight.

    Andrea: I REALLY enjoyed this book. The structure of the three sections with meeting the three people worked really well.
    Pat: What is this, an Amazon review?
    Also, what do sentences end in, Andrea?
    Andrea: Your mom?
    Pat: PERIODS.
    You are Paul Sheldon’s broken typewriter.
    Andrea: OK. SO. THOSE FUCKING LOBSTER CREATURES and their inquisitive squawking. What is it with him and grotesque bug-like creatures making weird, sorta cutesy noises?
    Pat: Dad-a-chack? Dud-a-chum?
    To be fair, pretty much everything in the ocean is about as alien as anything that could ever land in a UFO. There’s no way lobsters are from this world originally.
    Andrea: Agreed. I still don’t want them to rip my fingers off. Can you imagine the first person who was like, “Hey, lemme cook that thing up”?
    Pat: I’ve often wondered about that. And Roland eats them raw at first.
    That’s how you get diarrhea, Roland.
    Andrea: And parasites.

  • Eyes Of The Dragon

    In the kingdom of Delain, there lived a king named Roland. The details beyond that are a little fuzzy, mostly because everything is a jumbled version of Roland’s life in the Dark Tower. But: he’s a warrior king who kind of doesn’t like chicks. But: he finds a nice girl to settle down with who he can only bang when he’s drunk on magic potions from the court conjurer, Flagg. And: yes, that Flagg.

    Pat: I guess this wasn’t that confusing for you, since you haven’t be exposed to much of Roland’s backstory yet.
    Andrea: Nah, not really
    Pat: He’s totally gay though, right?
    Andrea: Yeah, it would seem so. There were all kinds of indications that he had “demons.”
    Pat: The “demons” being “thoughts about huntin’ naked dudes”?
    Andrea: Well, yeah.

    So everyone loved King Roland’s wife, Queen Sasha, and they had two sons, Peter and Thomas, one who was pretty much awesome and the other who was a bit of a whiney cunt and killed his mother in childbirth.

    Pat: “It is King’s Iron,” he said.
    “It doesn’t look like iron,” said Sasha, doubtfully.
    “It is before the forge,” he said.
    “Ali!” said she. “And where is the forge?”
    “If you will trust me,” said he, getting into bed with her, “I will show you, for you have brought it from the Western Barony with you but did not know it.”

    I wish she had just been like, “Oh, you mean my VAGINA? I thought you were talking about some blacksmith shit, ya great big Queen.”
    Andrea: There is NO WAY people talked like that.
    Pat: It’s a fantasy novel. A little suspension of disbelief is probably warranted. (more…)

  • IT, Part 5

    The final, epic part of our never-ending discussion of IT is upon us all. Woe be those of bleary eyes! Necessary reading includes Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4

    The Ritual Of Chüd begins with In The Watches Of The Night

    As if it wasn’t already on shaky ground, time starts flipping around a lot.

    Pat: But let us assure readers that it is a most BOSS and EFFECTIVE use of alternating time periods!
    Right? Am I right? I’m right, aren’t I?
    Andrea: You are right, although I am still not sold on any of the rituals: CHUD, SMOKE, and BANGING.
    But perhaps that is because I am not a child living in Derry.
    Pat: Chud is all fucking metaphorical. The banging is not. The smoke, though, bridges the divide, I think, between the physical and the, uh… cosmic? Astral?
    Andrea: I agree, and in that way, it is a neat literary device.
    Pat: So suck the critical wind from my literary tailpipe. (more…)

  • IT, Part 4

    Weclome to Part 4 of our It discussion. To your left, you will see Part 1. To your right, you will see Part 2. Creeping up behind you, with its clammy fingers reaching towards your exposed neck, is Part 3

    July Of 1958

    The Apocalyptic Rockfight

    We find out that Mike Hanlon is black and—despite everyone else each thinking that they’re the one Henry Bowers hates the most—the Loser that Bowers would most like to see dead. Why? Well, being black would be strike one, and being raised by Butch Bowers, who still hates Will Hanlon for the whole you-kill-’em-you-buy-’em chicken fiasco, would be another. By the way, Henry poisoned Mike’s childhood dog, Mr. Chips, who Bowers lovingly called “Niggerdog.” Jesus Christ, Hank. Add to that the time Henry caught Mike unawares and slathered him in mud to make him a “tarbaby.” What the living fuck, Bowers!

    Pat: This chapter starts with them meeting up at the library at 7pm, which is when curfew starts in Derry. That has to be intentional, if uninteresting to anyone but me.
    Andrea: Yeah, it’s sure not interesting to me.
    Pat: It’s strange that at this point, Mike still isn’t a Loser. You read and read and know he’s going to be, and it keeps getting later and later in the day, and he still isn’t.
    Andrea: Right. Until you get to the point where he becomes one, and you’re like, “Huh? This didn’t happen already?”
    Oh man, the description of Henry covering him in mud, and it getting in his nose. I wanted to cry. And when Henry tells his dad that he poisoned the dog, and he claps him on the back and gives him a beer.
    Pat: I know I’m a mid-Atlantic liberal pantywaist, but “Niggerdog”?
    What did the goddamn dog ever do to Henry? What did the Hanlons ever do to the Bowerses? Get a fucking grip on yourselves, you fucking yokels.
    Andrea: Seriously. I mean, I definitely know plenty of people with prehistoric attitudes on race, but I can’t imagine any of them behaving even close to this way.
    Pat: The psychotic streak it takes to slowly win a dog’s trust so you can safely poison it must be astounding. And possibly unnecessary: I’m pretty sure if I had some poisoned chuck meat and gave it to a dog that have never ever seen me in its life, it would wolf it down without batting an eyelash.
    Andrea: Um, yeah. I have never known a dog to turn down food. Holly eats paper plates if they have pizza crumbs on them.
    Pat: This was the worst of it for me: “When the pains started, Henry produced a piece of clothesline and tied Mr. Chips to a birch so he couldn’t get away and run home.”
    Andrea: : ( : ( : ( (more…)

  • IT, Part 3

    Hey there. Obviously, there are two preceding parts to this whole IT discussion. For instance, there’s Part 1, and then for another instance, there’s Part 2.

    Part 3: Grownups

    The Reunion

    Bill Denbrough Gets A Cab

    Bill arrives back in Derry and is shown around town by a Colorful Cab Driver. He sees how the town has changed, with new developments and, apparently, everything from his childhood being replaced by one bank or another. He arrives at the Fateful Chinese Restaurant where the Losers are all meeting, located where the Ironworks used to be. Who doesn’t want to eat some dim sum on the site of a Easter Egg Massacre?

    Andrea: OH GOD THIS FUCKING PART. I swear the first time I read it, it put me off Chinese food for like a year. And I really like Chinese food.
    Pat: We’re not there yet. I know you spend way more time more frequently in Williamstown, but do you ever get this when you go home?
    Every time I come back it’s like entire swaths of town have been rewritten heavily.
    Andrea: Not really, because I go there every week and I pretty much go either directly my parents’ house. I can think offhand of 3-4 new developments. There’s also a new Wal-mart.
    Andrea: ?
    Andrea: Yup. According to my mom, it is “less ghetto.”
    Pat: Oh man, look at this: Corkery Lane.
    Andrea: ?
    Pat: It’s just a goofy name I’d forgotten.
    Andrea: You are such a psycho.

  • IT, Part 2

    In case you didn’t come directly from there, maybe take a look at part one before tackling this?

    Part 2
    Ben Hanscom Takes A Fall

    Circumspect little Ben Hanscom was a bookish fat fuck back in 1958, which makes it hard to run from the bully you wouldn’t let copy during your English final. After mooning out at the library and gorging on candy and sending an anonymous love haiku to Beverly Marsh, the Man They Called Haystack runs into son-of-a-bitching Henry Bowers and his two cronies, Victor Criss and Belch Huggins, down by the old canal. Henry gets an ‘H’ carved into Ben’s tit before Hanscom goes super-nerd and escapes. Then he trips Bowers as he chases him, and beats the living crapsteak out of him while he’s down.

    Andrea: “He thought that fat boys were probably only allowed to love pretty girls inside.”
    Oh, Ben.
    Pat: Ben is my favorite. By far.
    Andrea: What a heartbreaker.
    Pat: Maybe it’s because I was an only child and was always reading books, and it kind of both did and didn’t bother me that I didn’t have many friends.
    Andrea: You had a ton of friends. They were just nerds. (more…)

  • IT, Part 1

    Part 1: The Shadow Before

    Way back in 1957, Stuttering Bill Denbrough has a kid brother, right up until a week’s worth of steady rain floods their hometown of Derry, Maine. Bill, stuck in bed with the flu, makes George Denbrough a paper boat to sail along the swollen curbs downtown. They dig each other, Bill and Georgie, which is why we’re not entirely happy when a clown speaks to the younger brother from a storm drain, introduces himself as Mr. Bob Gray— also known as Pennywise the Dancing Clown—entices him closer with a balloon, and rips one of Georgie’s arms right the fuck on out of its socket. Georgie dies in that kid-sized yellow raincoat, and our st-st-st-stuh-story buh-buh-begins.

    Pat: All right, so, iIt has been around 20 years since I last read this book. Probably at least 15 since I’ve seen the miniseries. And it is very much like the grownups returning to Derry and remembering the summer of ’58 for me.
    Except a bunch of things are super clear in my memory. And Georgie Denbrough getting his arm ripped off is right the hell up there.
    Pat: I still have the image of Pennywise in that storm drain in my head. The one I had when I first read it. It’s outlasted even the image from the movie, which I can’t even picture.
    Andrea: I always picture him being in the storm drain in the ditch in Scotland Run.
    Pat: The funny thing is, I can’t remember details about the street I was imagining. It’s JUST the storm drain. There’s nothing else in the image.
    Pat: The whole scene with Bill making the boat, waterproofing it, explaining why he’s doing what he’s doing while Georgie watches him is like an arrow through the fucking heart.
    Andrea: I know. It’s as bad as, if not worse, than the goddamn Gage/kite scene. Probably worse, since poor Bill is just a kid.
    Pat: And then they start calling each other assholes. I don’t have any brothers, but that shit is like the Platonic archetype of brotherhood.
    Warms the cockles.
    Andrea: I actually flagged the George and Bill “big brown a-hole” conversation because it cracked me up so much.
    Pat: It’s genius. And exactly how boys act, brothers or not.
    Andrea: Yes, totally. SK as always is amazing at writing brotherhood/male friendship relationships.
    Pat: This doesn’t really happen later in the book: when we meet Pennywise in the storm drain, he’s actually acting like a clown.
    “How did you get down there?”
    “Storm just bleeeew me away,” Pennywise the Dancing Clown said.
    I wonder if we’re only treated to Pennywise’s goofy side because it makes a better contrast when he goes apeshit and starts growling about how they float, Georgie, and when you’re down here with me, you’ll float, too—
    And thereafter, he’s always pretty much in murder mode.
    Andrea: Yeah, because he acts goofy to pull George in. Cause he’s a little kid. There’s that part where he says he would not have believed it if he was sixteen, but he’s only six.
    Pat: He kind of doesn’t bother lulling anyone else, though.
    Like, the entire rest of the book.
    Hell, he isn’t a clown most of the time. (more…)

  • Skeleton Crew

    Welcome to Stephen King’s Skeleton Crew, which starts off with the novella “The Mist,” which we put over here for your reading ease.

    Here There Be Tygers

    For some reason, there is a tiger in the boys’ bathroom at an elementary school. It eats a kid and a teacher. That’s, uh… that’s pretty much it.

    Andrea: WTF even was this story? (more…)