Evil Dolls And Jingle-Jangle Monkeys

Evil Dolls And Jingle-Jangle Monkeys
October 27, 2016 Constant Readers

Pat: I’m thinking of the jingle-jangle monkey, which does not grant wishes. Unless your wish is DEATH.
Andrea: It kills someone right? Every time you wind it?
Pat: Andrea, they threw the monkey into the lake and ALL THE FISH DIED. *KLANG KLANG KLANG*
Andrea: OH MAN I forgot about that. Go big or go home, SK.
Pat: *KRANG KRANG KRANG*
Would you allow one of those in your house? Like, as a knickknack?
Andrea: FUCK NO.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Pat: Even though you know it’s not going to kill anyone? Because that story isn’t real?
Andrea: Yeah, but it’s REALLY ugly and REALLY scary.
Pat: You wouldn’t chance it?
Andrea: I don’t like knickknacks.
Pat: Even if it was a cute version?
Andrea: There are no cute versions.
Pat: I mean, look, you’ve got stuffed animals and shit in your house. Any one of them could be Chucky.
Andrea: We do have an ancient, really scary Grover. Isn’t it bad enough that I have an elf on the shelf?
Pat: I would rather have the monkey than the elf. Are you nuts? That goat has DEVIL eyes.
Andrea: I didn’t buy the elf, my mother-in-law did.
Pat: So if Tim’s mom bought a jingle-jangle monkey, you’d leave it on the mantel at Christmas?
Andrea: Yeah. I already told you about the weird clown glass we have from his grandfather.
Pat: Is it CARNIVAL GLASS?
Andrea: I don’t think so. It’s ugly as fuck.
Pat: IS IT FORSPECIAL?
Andrea: IT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT FORSPECIAL.
It is FORHIDING.
Pat: Any doll in your house could be Robert. Not the dumb movie Robert, the real Robert.
Andrea: Who the fuck is Robert? I am full of fucks tonight apparently.
Pat: Oh my god. Don’t you listen to Lore?
Andrea: NO. The movie looked dumb.
Pat: I didn’t see the movie, but the real doll was just this kinda innocuous sailor doll. Except that it would talk to the kid who owned it in a devil voice that came FROM THE KID.
Andrea: Oh, is this the doll that Annabelle was based on?
Pat: No, it’s the doll ROBERT was based on.
Andrea: I have definitely heard this before now that you’re mentioning it.
Pat: Uh.
Wait…
Apparently the doll Annabelle was based on was… “a Raggedy Ann doll alleged by demonologists… to be haunted.”

annabelle_no_museum

Andrea: That is one Janketty Ann doll.
Pat: This is Robert:

Photo via Susan Smith

Photo via Susan Smith

So shit would be torn up in the house, the kid would be hurt or stuff, and it was all supposedly the doll. And they tried throwing it away, but it just kept coming back. I’m paraphrasing and getting a lot of stuff wrong.
Andrea: Yeah, I have seen that little bastard before.
Pat: But A. the Robert from the movie is like, overtly scary, and B. still isn’t as scary as this simian-looking sailor boy or his fucking freak-ass stuffed mini-dog are BY THEMSELVES.
LOOK AT THAT DOG.
WHY ARE ROBERT’S FEET UP?
WHAT ARE YOU PLOTTING ROBERT ERIC STOLTZ WAS ALREADY CAST IN MASK YOU’RE TOO LATE
Andrea: WHAT IS YOUR HOMETOWN MURDER?
Pat: Are you asking me or Robert?
Andrea: Mine is not a murder but the Great Adventure fire in 1986 that killed a girl from Williamstown and like 8 other kids.
ROBERT CAN’T TALK YOU DINGUS
Pat: YEAH, EXCEPT YOU’RE ASKING WHAT MY HOMETOWN MURDER IS WE HAVE THE SAME FUCKING HOMETOWN.
Andrea: Yeah I know I’m hoping you know about one I don’t know
Pat: I’m going to go with Ira Einhorn because I was born in Philly.
THE UNICORN KILLER.
Andrea: Oooh good one. I lived near there.
Pat: But here’s the thing.  There’s no evidence whatsoever that Ira Einhorn ever once—not even ONCE— killed a unicorn.
Andrea:
Pat: He was called the unicorn killer.
I guess the zodiac killer didn’t kill zodiacs. Or, like, animals in the exact order of the zodiac.
Andrea: I knew like 20 crust punk kids who claimed to live in that apartment.
Pat: I’m not asking what a crust punk is, and you’re not going to tell me.
That’s the movie we should write. A serial killer is working his way through the alphabet.
At some point, he has to kill twins.
Andrea: But there were already two ABCs Of Death movies, so IDK about that.
Pat: It would be a weird movie. He’d be killing crabs and lions and fish and bulls, and it’d be kind of hot and cold.
Andrea: Who is going to buy a movie with that much animal killing?
Pat: But then he’d kill the twins, and then he’d kill a maiden, and then a set of scales, and then a centaur with a boy and arrow, and then someone… carrying… water.
Andrea: Are you actually high right now?
Pat: I’m more concerned with how we wedge in a fucking CENTAUR.
I am not high. I’m on latte.
Andrea: “Who’s gonna hire a dirty centaur?”
Pat: Good luck finding a “sea-goat,” central casting.

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