Hey kids! It’s been a while. Soon there will be posts a-plenty, but for now, let’s see how your Constant Readers are tracking in the key demographic of bozos from Santa Fe, New Mexico. “Hackare Annoying” writes:
LOL. What IS this page? Ignoramus hacks debate Stephen King? Get jobs, you losers. Or something. This is pathetic. You WISH you had any talent at all! Bitter losers are the saddest. Just face reality and go sell insurance sooner rather than later.
This is from June 15th, and I know what you’re thinking, but no: Donald Trump was in Atlantic on June 15th, so this wasn’t our first dressing-down at the hands of our next president. And also, no: the mercury only got up to 90 degrees in Santa Fe, so it couldn’t have been heat stroke. So, then: somebody in the great (?) state (??) of New Mexico was very angry at us at 9:52 in the morning (7:52am their time—yikes!). To be fair, it is stated right off the bat that they’re confused about what this website is about and who we are. For the record, we are not ignoramus hacks. One of us is an ignoramus, the other is a hack. But neither of us is both. “Get jobs or something” is definitely one of the all-time greatest put-downs, but “bitter losers”? We’re not bitter—we’re very sweet. The sweetest losers you could ever wish to meet. Like you’d find in a Stephen King book, even!
But we see something here that’s very unusual: no one ever has a follow-up to “Get a job!” Ever notice that? Sure, they can identify the problem, but can they solve it? Almost never! But here comes the Santa Ana Winds blowing an actual career suggestion across our desks. It’s uncommon, it’s genius, it’s helpful!
Since we’re both editors for a living, we made some changes to Hacksare’s comment, just like we fix the conversations to make Andrea funnier and Pat nicer:
“There are monsters in the mountains outside Santa Fe! Help me, I have no arms THEN HOW IS TYPING???”
That’s right, Hacksare! IT’S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE. Take this!
Oh, brother, not even four minutes later, and on the same page:
“Never go full retard. You went full retard.
In this day and age of loans and rich Daddys’, college degrees have nothing to do with intelligence and EVERYTHING to do with fear and unoriginality. No talent is required for admission to most, only a sucker and an open checkbook. Nowadays, everyone gets a participation tropy! So it’s okay if you have never held a job or done anything useful or interesting in life. Three gender studies classes will make you an expert in everything and a TOTAL asset to society!”
First of all, there’s no way it took four minutes to write that, not with that number of typos. Second, is Hacksare an actual character from a Stephen King story? Because this is exactly the HEY COLLEGE BOY redneck shit Uncle Stevie’s always writing about! Why are people so angry about college? Because it’s not free? It’s hard to imagine someone saying, “HEY! HIGH SCHOOL BOY!” with a tone that indicates high school is for only the fanciest of pants.
Also, and this is probably critical: only one of us graduated from college. If we correlated college degrees with intelligence, that would make Andrea the smart one here, and that can’t be right. Also, if talent were a prerequisite for admission to college, a very small number of people would ever get in, and the academic industrial complex would lose their collective but ineffective minds.
Suckers, yes, but who the fuck still has a checkbook? Don’t answer that—it was a joke. We’re still writing “WHO STILL USES CHECKS IN 2015???” on all our checks. It’s good to know that this howling maw of the Many-Headed Internet is, in the end, not actually mad at us—they’re mad at college, for whatever reason. This website is run by two people who feel about college the way we felt about high school: it’s as good a place as any to be in your teens. But then, if you want to talk about suckers and their open checkbooks: Pat smokes, so if you think he wasted money not getting a college degree, boy howdy are you bringing up a serial killer on a loitering charge! And he didn’t even get the “participation tropy” for college! There is no participation trophy! You kind of have to graduate to get anything approaching a trophy. Unless you play sports, which: come on, Pat smokes.
For the record, we haven’t even taken three Gender Studies classes between the two of us. Tops, we’ve taken one, and half of us weren’t even in the class. We took half of a Gender Studies class, tops. Also, two people debating Stephen King with degrees in Gender Studies? Have you ever been to co—oh, oh, we get it. Right.
Also, Tropic Thunder was not a good movie. We can all agree on that, right? More and more of us, anyway, as the species evolves at its snail’s pace? It’s certainly not very quotable, since that’s the only line anyone ever quotes. It’s certainly the only one anyone quotes here.
Since we’ve both been solidly employed in editorial for most of our adult lives, we’re very glad to fix up this comment, too:
“Sometimes I wake up cranky because Santa Fe is very hot It’s a dry heat but it still gives me the dry heaves :(”
We feel you, buddy. And way up there in those hills? Must be pretty thin air, too! Thin, hot, dry air, now that’s a horror story.
If you’d like to email Hacksare Annoying, their email address is firstname.lastname@example.org, which has a non-zero chance of being a real address.