Previewing Christine

Previewing Christine
June 21, 2013 Constant Readers

Pat: Starts out, Arnie Cunningham is a loser. A classic geek. I thought the novel should’ve started on that second paragraph.
Andrea: What does the first paragraph actually say?
But first wait, let’s dial back to the structure. I was really into the three character named/subtitled parts (teenage love songs, car songs, death songs).
Pat: But first go fuck yourself, you want to take the reins, don’t leave it open for me to start.
I thought the titles were stupid.
Andrea: I think you’re stupid, and also that you like them and you’re just saying that to spite me.
Pat: No, it makes each section of the book sound like a Weezer song title from about three albums after they started to suck.
Andrea: I don’t know any Weezer song titles after they started to suck.
Because I don’t torture myself.
Pat: Whatever, I give people chances, you are cold and heartless towards anything that doesn’t star Claire Danes.
Andrea: That is false.
Andrea: I love Teen Mom.
Claire Danes is not in that.
Pat: You watch that because they’re all slags.
Andrea: I don’t even know what a slag is, but I don’t think I want to know.
Pat: Do you not have your book handy?
Andrea: Of course not.
Pat: What do you mean, “of course not”? I have mine right here.
I figured, since we’d be talking it about it at work, maybe I should have it at work so I can refer to it. Instead of asking my partner to explain everything.
Andrea: Even if I had my book right next to me I wouldn’t magically know what slag meant.
Pat: I’m talking about my initial comment, which has now languished for ten minutes.
Andrea: OH GOD
No, I don’t have my book with me.
Pat: You already told me you didn’t.
Andrea: I think you might not have gotten over the grumpiness part of your illness.
Pat: You are not “in this to win this.”
Andrea: I am Elmo and you are Oscar.
I am Ernie to your Bert.
I am the happy bat puppets to your Count.
Pat: Elmo’s a kid-toucher. Oscar’s a realist and everyone loves him. The Count suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Andrea: I am the carefree Snuffleupagus to your whiny Big Bird.
Pat: Snuffleupagus wears eyeliner and mascara and writes emo songs about self-harm. I’m Hoots the Owl.
Andrea: From the Tootsie Roll pops?
Pat: From Sesame Street.
Andrea: I think Hoots is dead.
Pat: Mr. Owl is Tootsie Pop.
So far, I have like two lines worth posting to the blog.
Andrea: Are you kidding? This is gold.
You just don’t want me to be funnier than you.
Pat: You are currently not even a contender.
Andrea: Who is a contender?
Pat: Nearly everyone else in the known universe.
Andrea: SIGH
So are we talking about this today or are you sending me to the principal’s office to get my book?