Now hearing the case of Constant Readers vs. The Breathing Method, a story involving a boring New York City lawyer who is old and has a humdrum life until one day, one of the senior partners of his law firm gives him an invitation to join a SUPER SECRET OLD BOYS’ CLUB. There’s a library full of books the new guy has never heard of before and can’t find any record of having ever been published. People also tell each other stories! The Breathing Method is a story ABOUT ONE OF THOSE STORIES BEING TOLD. Is it as exciting as it sounds? No, it’s much, much worse! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS:
Andrea: I TOTES FINISHED BREATHING METHOD.
Pat: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKED ABOUT THAT STORY?
Andrea: Boobs? Lack of boobs?
Pat: THAT IT’S ABOUT A FUCKING STORY BEING TOLD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY.Someone should have taken a rubber stamp and inked each page of this story with “WHUT?”
Andrea: It is a credit to your sarcastic wit that I don’t know if you mean you really like it or you don’t.
Pat: AND THE STORY THAT SURROUNDS IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER.
Andrea: I liked that! I like the tone it sets. And I am saddened that I will never be invited to a secret club with creepy books that materialized from nowhere
Pat: I did not like it.
Andrea: It wasn’t like, awesome, but I thought it was solid. It could have been shorter.
Short story shorter: there’s a doctor who teaches a single woman expecting her first child how to practice proper breathing during labor. This, as you might have guessed, leads to her eventually being decapitated on an icy New York sidewalk, where her body continues to do Lamaze while the doctor delivers the baby.
Pat: You get a very glancing look at a secret club that seems to have some sort of insane parallel universe library, and then a story about a woman continuing to do Lamaze after she’s been decapitated during labor.
Andrea: I wanted more about the parallel university library. And less about Lamaze. Give me the effing gas.
Pat: Someone should have taken a rubber stamp and inked each page of this story with “WHUT?”
Andrea: You could do that, were you so inclined.
Pat: I figured you’d have a lot to say about this story because you have been pregnant before.
And sometimes you say things that make me think you’ve been decapitated.
Andrea: Um, not really except that in questions of pregnancy I always say take the drugs. I have never felt labor pains.
THE SOUND OF A 14.4k MODEM TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO CONNECT TO AOL.
Pat: The thing I suspect happened is this: Stephen King found out about a pregnant woman continuing to give birth after she’d died, then extended it to Lamaze, and then had to build a whole story around making a woman give birth with no head.
It felt forced.
These could have been two short stories instead and been more effective.
Andrea: Even though I liked it, I felt like it is clearly the weak link in this collection. Like he needed to come up with a story about winter to fit the seasons motif. So he just smooched together some other ideas he had.
Pat: That is not how you use “smooched.”
Andrea: I meant smooshed.
Pat: I would rather it have been a winter story about that club and the library.
And maybe some more short things, like the one story he says it isn’t his place to tell.
WHICH BY THE WAY: WHY IS IT YOUR PLACE TO TELL THE BREATHING METHOD STORY, THEN, BOZO?
Andrea: I was wondering that as well. But then I remembered that IT IS THE TALE NOT HE WHO TELLS IT
Pat: Then why wasn’t it his place to tell the one he only told the beginning of?
Andrea: Yes. You are correct sir.
Probably cause he is an annoying boner? IDK
Pat: And we’ve only filled maybe one page talking about it.
Andrea: That’s because it sucked balls.
Pat: What a shitty end to a great book.
Andrea: So ranking in order of best to worst?
Pat: Uh… my list would just be the table of contents.
Andrea: mine too except swapping Apt Pupil for Shawshank
Pat: You’re a fucking mental case.