Andrea: Did you read about the new Stand movie?
FEATURE FILM, BIATCH.
God damnit, I already need to get cast as Eddie Dean in The Gunslinger, and they’re redoing The Stand? That was my dream! Me as Larry Underwood!
Andrea: Let’s talk about who they should cast.
In real life with real people who are really in the movies.
Pat: I WAS IN A MOVIE
Andrea: WHAT MOVIE
Pat: MY UNCLE’S
WITH EDIE FALCO
Andrea: “A movie” is very different than “the movies.”
Pat: SO. STAND CASTING.
I still say Karl Urban for Stu Redman
Andrea: Karl Urban does not look old enough for Stu to me.
Pat: Stu is our age, you ponce.
Andrea: Stu is like 38.
Pat: Stu is not.
Andrea: Proof or it didn’t happen.
Pat: I did the math when his past was being discussed. He’s late 20s, early 30s.
You’re letting your view of age from when you first read it make you think he’s ten years older than you are now.
Andrea: Then why do they make it out like he is 10 years older than Frannie? Is she early 20s?
Pat: She’s a few years older than Harold, who is 16. She’s in college.
Here’s the problem: Gary Sinise was 39 when The Stand miniseries came out. That’s older than the character was.
Andrea: I haven’t seen the movie though
Pat: You know that’s him though. YOU ARE PICTURING GARY SINISE.
Andrea: Okay, I’m fine with Karl Urban. I liked the Mary Elizabeth Winstead suggestion for Frannie.
Pat: Yeah, she’s a lock. Harold Lauder? Who’s greasy enough to be him? I’m kind of thinking Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I think he could pull off greasy and psychotically intense.
Andrea: I hate him though.
Pat: Yeah, I know the feeling. That would play into the character perfectly.
Andrea: Like, I hate his stupid face.
Pat: Who can Peter Gallagher play? I need him to be in it.
Andrea: He could be Glen if he got kinda grizzled.
Pat: Glen is fucking ancient.
Andrea: OR Randall Flagg?
Wait, Flagg is younger, right?
Pat: No, not Randall Flagg. That’s insane.
Andrea: So who do you like for Flagg?
Pat: I think it would have to be an unknown. And an unknown that isn’t as hammy as the guy who played Flagg in the miniseries. I guess Heath Ledger is out of the question.
Speaking of which, Michelle Williams for the lesbian spy.
Andrea: She is not butchy enough.
Pat: I’m going to suggest James Franco for Larry Underwood and Jason Segel for Tom Cullen. Although A. I don’t think Franco is right for the part, and B. Jason Segel would ruin every single take because he’d be laughing.
Andrea: Oh my god. No Jason Segel for Tom Cullen
HOW ABOUT: Seth Rogen for Howard.
Pat: Who the fuck is Howard?
Andrea: You know what I am saying
Pat: I don’t know what you’re saying. WHO IS HOWARD?
Pat: NO. MARTIN STARR FOR HAROLD.
Andrea: MARTIN STARR IS A DREAMBOAT.
Pat: Andrea. You’re going to give me shit for Karl Urban being too young to play a thirty-nine year old (he’s 38), but Seth Rogen can play a fucking sixteen year old?
Andrea: I FORGOT.
Andrea: I am really bad at this.
Pat: I guess that puts JGL out of running, too. But that shit happens all the time. I think he’s good for it.
Andrea: I didn’t say he WAS too young, I said he LOOKED TOO YOUNG.
Pat: YOU ARE AN ASSPAIN.
Pat: Can I just say that I want Brandon Routh in it, somehow?
Because he’s dreamy.
Andrea: I don’t like him.
Pat: He was great in Zack And Miri, a movie that was otherwise awful!
Also: Chuck. Also: Scott Pilgrim.
Andrea: I forget everything about that movie.
Pat: Well, we’ve got out Stu and our Frannie. Jury is still out on Harold Lauder. We need an old man with a magnetic raconteur streak.I might suggest Tim Roth, but I don’t think he’s old enough. He is, however, very magnetic when he’s telling people how things are.
Andrea: I want Bryan Cranston for something.
Pat: He’s disqualified because of Malcolm In The Middle.
Pat: How about Brian Cox for Glen?
Andrea: I like it.
Brian Cox, not Malcolm.
OH MY GOD HAVE YOU EVEN SEEN BREAKING BAD?
Pat: Not yet. I live a full life of overwhelming entertainment absorption.
Andrea: You need to. And you will never again say an untoward word about Bryan Cranston.
Pat: We need a Larry and a Nadine.
Andrea: Larry: someone sleazy. I don’t know. I’m so bad at this!
Pat: Here are my two suggestions for Nadine: Scarlett Johannson and Amber Heard.
Andrea: Amber Heard was pretty awesomely both sweet and evil in All The Boys Love Mandy Lane, so I vote her.
Pat: Nadine’s age is indeterminate, right? She just has the white streaks. It would have to be Amber Heard with dyed hair, streaked with white. But I think it would work. She’s got an intensity to her face.
Pat: Larry should be easy. Think our age, think musician. Maybe a real musician?
Pat: Actually, I love that idea. He knows from fucked-up.
Andrea: That would be awesome
Pat: OKAY. SO. Mother Abagail? Old, black. Oprah will soon be retired.
I think she should be played my some old southern black Baptist that no one’s ever heard of. Or else we could just recast the role as a man, and do what everyone else does: have Morgan Freeman play the black man.
Andrea: No, no, no. I like the unknown idea
Pat: OKAY, Mother Abagail: unknown.
Pat: I still think Michelle Williams for Dayna Jurgens.
Andrea: I would make Michelle Williams Nadine and Amber Heard Dayna
Pat: That could actually work. However, do we really want to cast a gay woman as a gay woman? People will think we’re typecasting her.
Andrea: Who is gay?
Pat: Amber Heard.
Andrea: I didn’t know that!
Pat: Actually, check it: Michelle Williams as Lucy Swann, Amber Heard as Nadine.
Michelle Williams could totally pull off Nadine, though. DAMMIT.
Okay, Michelle Williams as Nadine, Amber Heard as Dayna.
Carey Mulligan as Lucy Swann.
Andrea: I like that
Pat: This just seems like a bizarre collage of people who are too famous.
Amber Heard is not even a little famous.
Pat: What are you even talking about?
Andrea: I don’t know anyone who even knows who she is except you.
Pat: Plenty of people know who she is
Fuck it, swap Carey Mulligan for Leighton Meester
Andrea: Fuck Leighton Meester.
Andrea: Spanish guy from Six Feet Under.
Pat: Are you fucking retarded!?
Nick Andros is twenty-two
Andrea: Sigh. I am really bad at this.
Pat: You are!
Andrea: Thanks for the support, buddy! I don’t know any young actors.
Pat: SWEET JESUS WOMAN, HE’S 16 AND VERY NEARLY AN INVALID.
Andrea: Do you have any ideas?
Pat: That Anton Yelchin dude, maybe
Andrea: I don’t know who that is!
Pat: Ever see… what was it? Robert Downey Jr., that kid, Kat Dennings?
Pat: That kid’s 21.
Pat: How about your Breaking Bad guy for Trashcan Man?
Andrea: Ooh, I like that.
Pat: We could also switch Brian Cox out as either Ralph or the Judge (although I think the Judge was black; he was in the miniseries) and make Patrick Stewart Glen Bateman, since Larry always called him “baldy”
Andrea: Just because he is black he doesn’t always have to be black. See also: The Shawshank Redemption.
Pat: We have to have Tony Todd as the Judge.
Andrea: So who do you have in mind for Flagg?
Pat: FLAGG. Man. So hard to cast Flagg.
Billy Bob Thorton. Just kidding.
Andrea: Why not Billy Bob?
Pat: Because he’s not acting anymore, he’s a Serious Musician.
I mean, I’d like to say Robert Downey Jr, but that’s just fucking insane.
Similarly, Ed Norton would be an insane choice.
Andrea: I like Ed Norton.
Pat: Michael C Hall for Flagg.
That was initially a joke. Now I’m suspicious that I like the idea.
Actually, wait. Christian Bale.
Wait, no, his American accent and weird way of forming words creeps me out.
Andrea: I like Michael C. Hall. Or what about hot guy from Six Feet Under?
Pat: Which one is that? The other brother? Peter Krause?
Pat: He’s too sportscastery for Flagg.
Andrea: Your mom.
Pat: She’s too mummery.
should be played
van der Beek.
Andrea: omg. I don’t know if that is ridiculous or inspired.
Pat: You can tell I’m pulling nearly all of my picks from the newest Star Trek, Dawson’s Creek, and my spank bank.
Andrea: Since I don’t have a spank bank that is why I am failing.
What about Pacey? WHAT ABOUT AN ALL-DAWSON’S CREEK CAST?
Pat: Pacey as fucking who?
Joshua Jackson is not playing Randall fucking Flagg!
Pat: How about John Cusack as Flagg?
Andrea: Eff John Cusack.
OH NO SHE DI’N’T.
Pat: Okay, two obvious choices: Gary Oldman and Alan Rickman
Andrea: NO AND NO.
It should be someone who is not typically evil.
Pat: Colin Hanks
Michael Cera could play Flagg when he’s in bird form.
Andrea: I like Colin Hanks. He is just smarmy looking enough.
Pat: FOR FLAGG!? THAT WAS A JOKE.
I could see David Duchovny as Flagg.
Andrea: UGH. I hate his face.
Pat: FUCK IT. BILLY CRUDUP IS FLAGG.
PLEASE HOLD ALL TICKETS.
Andrea: I like him as Larry.
Pat: I also really like Kasher as Larry, and Crudup as a musician might be typecasting.
I’m considering Eric Bana as Flagg. But the more I think about the scruffy, misplaced-in-time hippie-ness of Flagg, the more I think… maybe… Russell Crowe.
CROWE AS FLAGG.
Andrea: Kasher as Larry, Crudup as Flagg. Done.
Pat: Okay, fine.
WE DID IT.
Andrea: are we missing anyone?
Pat: Yeah, Ralph and Tom Cullen. Both of whom need to be played by unknowns. Well, Ralph not so much, but his character is nowhere.
Just to appease you, I’m casting John Goodman.
Andrea: THANK YOU.
FINALLY A HOTTIE
IN THIS CAST.
Talk about spank bank.
Pat: FINAL CAST LIST:
Karl Urban as Stu Redman
Mary Elizabeth Cady Stanton Winstead as Frannie Goldsmith
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Harold Lauder
Brian Cox as Glen Bateman
Tim Kasher as Larry Underwood
Michelle Williams as Nadine Cross
Amber Heard as Dayna Jurgens
Carey Mulligan as Lucy Swann
John Goodman as Ralph Brentner
Anton Yelchin as Nick Andros
Tony Todd as the Judge
Brandon Crayataosdfnasdf or whoever as Trashcan Man
Andrea: Bryan Cranston.
Pat: Him too.
Billy Crudup as Randall Flagg
Unknowns for the parts of Joe/Leo, Mother Abagail, Lloyd Henreid, and Tom Cullen.
This movie was made without Michael Cera. No hipsters were harmed in the filming of this movie.