The Constant Reader aims to read every piece of fiction that Stephen King has ever written, so it’s probably helpful to list what we consider to be on our plates. You’ll notice perhaps that there are only three novels that neither of us have read, and one of those hasn’t been published yet. All told—and strangely enough—we’ve each read 39 Stephen King books, not counting, of course, anything we’ve reread (Pat, for example, has reread the entire Dark Tower series each time a new book came out after The Wastelands).
Pat: How do we deal with Stephen King’s movie adaptations?
Andrea: Should we address the adaptations immediately after the book, like, do the Carrie ones right after we read Carrie?
Pat: Agreed. Wait, we are not watching the fucking sequel again.
Andrea: What about the made-for-TV miniseries? We don’t need to watch it. Everything you need to know in one sentence: CARRIE SURVIVES AND MOVES AWAY TO START A NEW LIFE.
Pat: Carrie: The Rage was like having my eyeballs raped, not that that’s particularly unusual for an adaptation of Stephen King’s books. Every one of his movies makes me feel like I have bad dirtypillows.
Andrea: I CAN SEE YOUR DIRTYPILLOWS.
Pat: you’ve read Cycle Of the Werewolf?
Andrea: Yes. Maybe THAT was the first Stephen King book I read. It was a picture book.
Pat: Was it any good? Was it better than Silver Bullet with Fred Savage?
Andrea: I forget.
Hipp: Wait, Silver Bullet starred Corey Haim. The ’80s: Possibly Stephen King’s most prolific period, definitely Corey Haim’s.
The Talisman P
Skeleton Crew PA
The Eyes Of The Dragon P
The Dark Tower II: The Drawing Of The Three P
The Tommyknockers PA
The Dark Half PA
Pat: What are the chances that Tim [Andrea’s husband] will draw a bad-ass flock of sparrows for our blog?
Andrea: He will, definitely. He probably needs a little more direction than “bad ass flock of sparrows,” though.
Pat: What? I think that’s hella descriptive. Have you read The Dark Half?
Andrea: Yes, but he hasn’t.
Pat: Well, then you can describe it to him!
Andrea: I don’t remember enough to describe it to him! I can picture what you mean, though.
Four Past Midnight PA
Needful Things PA
The Dark Tower III: The Waste Lands P
Gerald’s Game A
Dolores Claiborne A
Nightmares & Dreamscapes PA
Rose Madder PA
Andrea: Do you think we will be Stephen King’d out by the end of this?
Pat: I doubt it. We haven’t been King’d out in nearly two decades. I’m dreading reading The Tommyknockers, though. What book are you dreading?
Andrea: Honestly? The Dark Tower. THEY SOUND SO BORING. I can never get through Insomnia. The middle-end drags for me.
Pat: That book is fan-fucking-tastic.
Andrea: Lisey’s Story was pretty fucking awful.
Pat: I never read it. That and Gerald’s Game looked idiotic from their covers. That being said, I’ve read Rose Madder, which has a cover featuring a cross-dressing Minotaur.
Andrea: Gerald’s Game. is. awesome. Seriously.
Pat: It looks like a kinky version of Misery.
The Green Mile PA
The Regulators PA
The Dark Tower IV: Wizard And Glass P
Bag Of Bones PA
Storm Of The Century P
The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon PA
Hearts In Atlantis PA
Andrea: How many new books do you think he will put out in the time it takes us to do this?
Pat: Enough that we’ll probably still be doing this after he’s dead.
Andrea: I don’t like to think about that. I think that will be my saddest celebrity death.
Black House PA
From A Buick 8 A
Everything’s Eventual A
The Dark Tower V: Wolves Of The Calla P
The Dark Tower VI: Song Of Susannah P
The Dark Tower VII: The Dark Tower P
The Colorado Kid
Lisey’s Story A
Duma Key A
Just After Sunset A
Under The Dome
Andrea: So, Tim responded to “badass flock of sparrows” with, “What?? So do you want them to look mean or be carrying limbs they tore off or what?” I told you it required more explanation.
Pat: It doesn’t. Tim just didn’t think of the fact that a flock of sparrows would necessarily make the individual sparrows too small to be carrying off limbs, if they could even fly with a limb in their beak.
Andrea: I am actually thinking of something similar to the Polish poster for The Birds.
Pat: I want something like the cover of Wilco’s Sky Blue Sky.
Andrea: Those birds don’t look very ominous. They look lonely and emo.
P – denotes a book Pat has already read or at least tried to read.
A – denotes a book Andrea has already read or at least tried to read.