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  • Insert Geocities-Era Construction Gif Here

    Pardon our appearance while we recover from a near-total data loss here at Constant Readers. Pat has been unemployed for a very long time, and apparently, the technofascists at Bluehost delete all backups after 14 days of non-payment. Also, Pat hasn’t backed up the site since 2013. Wheeeeeeeee!

  • Eyes Of The Dragon

    In the kingdom of Delain, there lived a king named Roland. The details beyond that are a little fuzzy, mostly because everything is a jumbled version of Roland’s life in the Dark Tower. But: he’s a warrior king who kind of doesn’t like chicks. But: he finds a nice girl to settle down with who he can only bang when he’s drunk on magic potions from the court conjurer, Flagg. And: yes, that Flagg.

    Pat: I guess this wasn’t that confusing for you, since you haven’t be exposed to much of Roland’s backstory yet.
    Andrea: Nah, not really
    Pat: He’s totally gay though, right?
    Andrea: Yeah, it would seem so. There were all kinds of indications that he had “demons.”
    Pat: The “demons” being “thoughts about huntin’ naked dudes”?
    Andrea: Well, yeah.

    So everyone loved King Roland’s wife, Queen Sasha, and they had two sons, Peter and Thomas, one who was pretty much awesome and the other who was a bit of a whiney cunt and killed his mother in childbirth.

    Pat: “It is King’s Iron,” he said.
    “It doesn’t look like iron,” said Sasha, doubtfully.
    “It is before the forge,” he said.
    “Ali!” said she. “And where is the forge?”
    “If you will trust me,” said he, getting into bed with her, “I will show you, for you have brought it from the Western Barony with you but did not know it.”

    I wish she had just been like, “Oh, you mean my VAGINA? I thought you were talking about some blacksmith shit, ya great big Queen.”
    Andrea: There is NO WAY people talked like that.
    Pat: It’s a fantasy novel. A little suspension of disbelief is probably warranted. (more…)

  • IT, Part 5

    The final, epic part of our never-ending discussion of IT is upon us all. Woe be those of bleary eyes! Necessary reading includes Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4

    The Ritual Of Chüd begins with In The Watches Of The Night

    As if it wasn’t already on shaky ground, time starts flipping around a lot.

    Pat: But let us assure readers that it is a most BOSS and EFFECTIVE use of alternating time periods!
    Right? Am I right? I’m right, aren’t I?
    Andrea: You are right, although I am still not sold on any of the rituals: CHUD, SMOKE, and BANGING.
    But perhaps that is because I am not a child living in Derry.
    Pat: Chud is all fucking metaphorical. The banging is not. The smoke, though, bridges the divide, I think, between the physical and the, uh… cosmic? Astral?
    Andrea: I agree, and in that way, it is a neat literary device.
    Pat: So suck the critical wind from my literary tailpipe. (more…)

  • IT, Part 4

    Weclome to Part 4 of our It discussion. To your left, you will see Part 1. To your right, you will see Part 2. Creeping up behind you, with its clammy fingers reaching towards your exposed neck, is Part 3

    July Of 1958

    The Apocalyptic Rockfight

    We find out that Mike Hanlon is black and—despite everyone else each thinking that they’re the one Henry Bowers hates the most—the Loser that Bowers would most like to see dead. Why? Well, being black would be strike one, and being raised by Butch Bowers, who still hates Will Hanlon for the whole you-kill-’em-you-buy-’em chicken fiasco, would be another. By the way, Henry poisoned Mike’s childhood dog, Mr. Chips, who Bowers lovingly called “Niggerdog.” Jesus Christ, Hank. Add to that the time Henry caught Mike unawares and slathered him in mud to make him a “tarbaby.” What the living fuck, Bowers!

    Pat: This chapter starts with them meeting up at the library at 7pm, which is when curfew starts in Derry. That has to be intentional, if uninteresting to anyone but me.
    Andrea: Yeah, it’s sure not interesting to me.
    Pat: It’s strange that at this point, Mike still isn’t a Loser. You read and read and know he’s going to be, and it keeps getting later and later in the day, and he still isn’t.
    Andrea: Right. Until you get to the point where he becomes one, and you’re like, “Huh? This didn’t happen already?”
    Oh man, the description of Henry covering him in mud, and it getting in his nose. I wanted to cry. And when Henry tells his dad that he poisoned the dog, and he claps him on the back and gives him a beer.
    Pat: I know I’m a mid-Atlantic liberal pantywaist, but “Niggerdog”?
    What did the goddamn dog ever do to Henry? What did the Hanlons ever do to the Bowerses? Get a fucking grip on yourselves, you fucking yokels.
    Andrea: Seriously. I mean, I definitely know plenty of people with prehistoric attitudes on race, but I can’t imagine any of them behaving even close to this way.
    Pat: The psychotic streak it takes to slowly win a dog’s trust so you can safely poison it must be astounding. And possibly unnecessary: I’m pretty sure if I had some poisoned chuck meat and gave it to a dog that have never ever seen me in its life, it would wolf it down without batting an eyelash.
    Andrea: Um, yeah. I have never known a dog to turn down food. Holly eats paper plates if they have pizza crumbs on them.
    Pat: This was the worst of it for me: “When the pains started, Henry produced a piece of clothesline and tied Mr. Chips to a birch so he couldn’t get away and run home.”
    Andrea: : ( : ( : ( (more…)

  • IT, Part 3

    Hey there. Obviously, there are two preceding parts to this whole IT discussion. For instance, there’s Part 1, and then for another instance, there’s Part 2.

    Part 3: Grownups

    The Reunion

    Bill Denbrough Gets A Cab

    Bill arrives back in Derry and is shown around town by a Colorful Cab Driver. He sees how the town has changed, with new developments and, apparently, everything from his childhood being replaced by one bank or another. He arrives at the Fateful Chinese Restaurant where the Losers are all meeting, located where the Ironworks used to be. Who doesn’t want to eat some dim sum on the site of a Easter Egg Massacre?

    Andrea: OH GOD THIS FUCKING PART. I swear the first time I read it, it put me off Chinese food for like a year. And I really like Chinese food.
    Pat: We’re not there yet. I know you spend way more time more frequently in Williamstown, but do you ever get this when you go home?
    Every time I come back it’s like entire swaths of town have been rewritten heavily.
    Andrea: Not really, because I go there every week and I pretty much go either directly my parents’ house. I can think offhand of 3-4 new developments. There’s also a new Wal-mart.
    Andrea: ?
    Pat: ANOTHER WAL-MART?
    Andrea: Yup. According to my mom, it is “less ghetto.”
    Pat: Oh man, look at this: Corkery Lane.
    Andrea: ?
    Pat: It’s just a goofy name I’d forgotten.
    Andrea: You are such a psycho.
    (more…)

  • IT, Part 2

    In case you didn’t come directly from there, maybe take a look at part one before tackling this?

    Part 2
    Ben Hanscom Takes A Fall

    Circumspect little Ben Hanscom was a bookish fat fuck back in 1958, which makes it hard to run from the bully you wouldn’t let copy during your English final. After mooning out at the library and gorging on candy and sending an anonymous love haiku to Beverly Marsh, the Man They Called Haystack runs into son-of-a-bitching Henry Bowers and his two cronies, Victor Criss and Belch Huggins, down by the old canal. Henry gets an ‘H’ carved into Ben’s tit before Hanscom goes super-nerd and escapes. Then he trips Bowers as he chases him, and beats the living crapsteak out of him while he’s down.

    Andrea: “He thought that fat boys were probably only allowed to love pretty girls inside.”
    Oh, Ben.
    Pat: Ben is my favorite. By far.
    Andrea: What a heartbreaker.
    Pat: Maybe it’s because I was an only child and was always reading books, and it kind of both did and didn’t bother me that I didn’t have many friends.
    Andrea: You had a ton of friends. They were just nerds. (more…)

  • IT, Part 1

    Part 1: The Shadow Before

    Way back in 1957, Stuttering Bill Denbrough has a kid brother, right up until a week’s worth of steady rain floods their hometown of Derry, Maine. Bill, stuck in bed with the flu, makes George Denbrough a paper boat to sail along the swollen curbs downtown. They dig each other, Bill and Georgie, which is why we’re not entirely happy when a clown speaks to the younger brother from a storm drain, introduces himself as Mr. Bob Gray— also known as Pennywise the Dancing Clown—entices him closer with a balloon, and rips one of Georgie’s arms right the fuck on out of its socket. Georgie dies in that kid-sized yellow raincoat, and our st-st-st-stuh-story buh-buh-begins.

    Pat: All right, so, iIt has been around 20 years since I last read this book. Probably at least 15 since I’ve seen the miniseries. And it is very much like the grownups returning to Derry and remembering the summer of ’58 for me.
    Except a bunch of things are super clear in my memory. And Georgie Denbrough getting his arm ripped off is right the hell up there.
    Pat: I still have the image of Pennywise in that storm drain in my head. The one I had when I first read it. It’s outlasted even the image from the movie, which I can’t even picture.
    Andrea: I always picture him being in the storm drain in the ditch in Scotland Run.
    Pat: The funny thing is, I can’t remember details about the street I was imagining. It’s JUST the storm drain. There’s nothing else in the image.
    Pat: The whole scene with Bill making the boat, waterproofing it, explaining why he’s doing what he’s doing while Georgie watches him is like an arrow through the fucking heart.
    Andrea: I know. It’s as bad as, if not worse, than the goddamn Gage/kite scene. Probably worse, since poor Bill is just a kid.
    Pat: And then they start calling each other assholes. I don’t have any brothers, but that shit is like the Platonic archetype of brotherhood.
    Warms the cockles.
    Andrea: I actually flagged the George and Bill “big brown a-hole” conversation because it cracked me up so much.
    Pat: It’s genius. And exactly how boys act, brothers or not.
    Andrea: Yes, totally. SK as always is amazing at writing brotherhood/male friendship relationships.
    Pat: This doesn’t really happen later in the book: when we meet Pennywise in the storm drain, he’s actually acting like a clown.
    “How did you get down there?”
    “Storm just bleeeew me away,” Pennywise the Dancing Clown said.
    I wonder if we’re only treated to Pennywise’s goofy side because it makes a better contrast when he goes apeshit and starts growling about how they float, Georgie, and when you’re down here with me, you’ll float, too—
    And thereafter, he’s always pretty much in murder mode.
    Andrea: Yeah, because he acts goofy to pull George in. Cause he’s a little kid. There’s that part where he says he would not have believed it if he was sixteen, but he’s only six.
    Pat: He kind of doesn’t bother lulling anyone else, though.
    Like, the entire rest of the book.
    Hell, he isn’t a clown most of the time. (more…)

  • Skeleton Crew

    Welcome to Stephen King’s Skeleton Crew, which starts off with the novella “The Mist,” which we put over here for your reading ease.

    Here There Be Tygers

    For some reason, there is a tiger in the boys’ bathroom at an elementary school. It eats a kid and a teacher. That’s, uh… that’s pretty much it.

    Andrea: WTF even was this story? (more…)

  • The Mist

    David Drayton has an a-okay life. His kid is precocious, his wife is hot, his house is on a bucolic lake across from a military installation that is, in all likelihood, about to rip a hole in the fabric of the world and unleash the hell of a parallel dimension on Maine, the Stephen King Will Kill Us All state. For now, his biggest problem is an already-settled property dispute with his neighbor, Brent Norton, and a series of storms that bashes the shit out of the lakefront. #whitepeople

    Andrea: Oh, fuck me. My Kindle is all fucked up.
    Pat: I CAN GUIDE YOU
    Pat: I WILL SHOW YOU THE WORLD
    Andrea: No, but this is serious.
    Pat: TAKE YOU FROM WONDER TO WONDER
    Andrea: It means that I am about to face a flight with nothing to read.
    FUUUUUUUCK
    Andrea: The storm comes on fairly quickly, right?
    Pat: It’s very sudden. And it comes in several waves, with lulls in between. David and the fam go upstairs and then back down a few times, I think.
    Andrea: Yes. And he has that vision of the tree crashing through the window, and then it happens.
    Pat: HE HAS THE SHINE
    HE GOT THE SHINE ON HIM, SURE ENOUGH
    Andrea: omg (more…)

  • Thinner

    Billy Halleck weighed 249 pounds, but that was before his wife decided it was a good idea to give him a handjob while he was driving. He hit a gypsy woman, was acquitted of any liability in her death, and was touched on the cheek by her super-old father outside the courthouse. The only thing he whispered to Halleck as he gave his cheek the old pedo-stroke was, “Thinner.”

    Billy Halleck now weighs 246 pounds.

    Pat: WHAT IS WITH BACHMAN AND THE FUCKING COUNTING?
    T-Minus in Running Man, miles in Long Walk, I think he uses time constantly in Rage, Roadwork probably had something. Number of brain cells the reader is losing.
    Andrea: I don’t know, but it is effective here. It’s a flag so you can see exactly how fast he’s losing.
    Pat: Yeah, no, it at least works this time.
    Andrea: It’s his gimmick. Cool that fake King even has a different gimmick.
    Pat: So Gypsies. When was the last time you saw a Gypsy caravan on the east coast?
    Andrea: Never, ever, ever. Ever. Not even in the early 80s
    Maybe there were Gypsies at the Berlin Mart and I just never noticed?
    Pat: Not the kind of traveling Gypsies in this book, definitely not.
    Andrea: South Jersey is more of the toothless Piney carnie contingent. (more…)

The Drinking Game
is down for maintenance

Season 1
1974 — Carrie
1975 — Salem's Lot
1977 — The Shining
1977 — Rage
1978 — Night Shift

Season 2
1978 — The Stand
1979 — Long Walk
1979 — Dead Zone

Season 3
1980 — Firestarter
1981 — Roadwork
1981 — Cujo
1982 — Running Man

Season 4
1982 — The Gunslinger
1982 — Different Seasons
1983 — Christine
1983 — Pet Sematary
1983 — Cycle Of The Werewolf
1984 — Talisman
1984 — Thinner
1984 — The Mist
1984 — Skeleton Crew
1986 — IT

Season 5
1987 — Eyes Of The Dragon
1987 — The Drawing Of The Three
1987 — Misery
1987 — The Tommyknockers
1989 — The Dark Half
1990 — Four Past Midnight
1991 — The Waste Lands
1991 — Needful Things
1992 — Gerald's Game
1992 — Dolores Claiborne
1993 — Nightmares & Dreamscapes

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